Category: My Blog

“Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”

If you have ever taken the time to read anything I’ve written…or have had any conversations with me about what my life has looked like, you already know about the struggles I subjected myself to prior to getting sober. I always make sure to follow up these stories with what my life has been like since getting sober. I don’t give out one without the other. It’s pointless. I also have always (in sobriety at least) equated my happiness to my reliance on God. In hindsight I can also see that chasing happiness in forms of the flesh, or things of this world has always and will always provide me temporary happiness which is certainly something I’m not interested in. I want the whole kit and caboodle. I want, deserve and am guaranteed permanent happiness for eternity and I’m cashing in.

What you may not know is that since moving in a more intentional direction towards God, specifically towards Jesus…my spirit has changed.

I have been intrigued in a new way about Jesus over the last few years. I kept it quiet more often than I spoke about it. I was honestly embarrassed to discuss it because I was always so outspoken about followers of Jesus being weak, absent of the ability to think for themselves, tricked by the church and so on. But something pulled me to be more open minded and in doing that, I found my truth.

I am coming up on the anniversary of my confession that I accepted Jesus. I sat alone in my Pastor’s office with him and awkwardly said out loud how I felt about Jesus, His resurrection, my desire to be as close to Him as possible… and I began to change. I may not act like it all the time, but I feel more connected to God as a result. I feel like I have such a stronger connection. I feel more free. I notice my blessings more and I am more grateful for them. I pray for others, something I have never done before. I am open about my relationship with Him and I am completely unashamed and undeterred from standing up for what I believe. Even my wife has said I am less likely to execute someone now than when I first met her…so that’s a win, right?

I believe that the Spirit has given new life to my spirit.

New life.

I have a different way of viewing things in a lot of ways and I see things the same in a lot of ways because I was living like a Christian in a lot of ways even before June 2nd, 2009…I just didn’t realize it.

So as I look at my life today, I can see that since recognizing that following Jesus was what I was called to do, I can also see that my life has been unfolding in a way I could never have planned or designed on my own. I cannot tell where my life is going, but I don’t need to. I blindly trust that it is going in the direction that God wants it to and that is quite possibly the most comfortable place I have ever been in my life. That freedom has provided me the ability to be the type of man that I have always yearned to be. Well, at least the ability to strive to be that man. I’m still learning in that area.

I have an older brother. He’s two and a half years older than me, much bigger than me, funnier than me, probably smarter than me and more quick tempered than me.

I wouldn’t say we exactly “got along” in the way I would want growing up, but one thing I will never forget is that when I was in serious trouble, he was there for me.

Out of respect for him, I won’t share certain things that I feel compelled to, but we got into some pretty wild situations growing up. We skateboarded together our whole lives, went to the beach all the time, and we got in countless fights…both with each other and against other people. If you know him personally, you know he was intimidated (and still isn’t) by no one. He would throw hands despite the odds. Bigger than him? Didn’t matter. Got 3 friends with you? Didn’t matter. You would end up sleeping on the concrete in no time. He bailed me out of a few potential ass whippings, that’s for sure.

He’s hilarious. No one can escape his humor. He’s had me laughing from the time I could understand the English language and hasn’t let up since.

I have always looked up to him. He would always give me clothes that I couldn’t afford. Hit me up with cash if I really needed it. He paid bar tabs. He was a good brother. But we had our tough moments as well.

He threw me through a screen door once. Hog tied me with a phone cord and ripped me off a bar stool with it. He tossed me over a sofa and I fell down the steps. He’s smacked me so hard across my face that my ears were ringing. Held me under the water until I almost blacked out.

But he was a good brother and I love him.

One time he was over seas, in the Middle East fighting bad guys or something. Meanwhile, I was shooting heroin and cocaine everyday. I was homeless in Baltimore city at the time. While he was deployed, he allowed me to stay in his house in the city with his then girlfriend. I was not doing well at the time. Everyday I woke up sick. Everyday the first thought I had was about myself. It was a way of life. At this point in my life, I was coming to the end of my drug use and I had run out of options of targets to manipulate. Instead, I hurt people, robbed people and stole from my family or anyone else that would permit me to be close to something valuable. Anyway, he had this knife in his nightstand in his spare room. It was a spring loaded out-the-front knife that I think he smuggled over here from another country. Initially, I took it to defend myself as I was walking into potentially deadly situations…daily and sometimes multiple times a day. I had planned on returning it to the nightstand before he returned into the country. But it only takes one time of being without money and dope sick to sell something that’s not yours, ya know?

Fast forward about 6 years or so. I’m sober, I’m better, I’m seeking God daily, multiple times a day and I am happy. I am able to navigate through life in such a way that no hurdle was too high. My brother was not. Ever since then, my brother’s view of me has changed. He has asked me for my advice….a lot. He respects me. He knows I am a good man and that I can be trusted. He sees that I have overcame more than most. I have hustled and I have not accepted failure no matter what. I went through a divorce and I struggled financially on my own, trying to raise two kids. I made sure that my kids had a father. I made sure they were loved. I tried my best and he saw that.

He sees that in me, even from the other side of the country. He loves who I have become.

Today I went to the post office with my son after we got off work. I was exhausted. I strapped on my mask and gloves and walked in there. I purchased the shipping label and packed a small usps box up with a brand new spring loaded OTF knife and sent him the tracking for it.

I’ve been sober for over 11 years and I quite honestly forgot that I even cuffed his knife until recently. I have made a lot of amends in sobriety and a lot of them were so beautiful and I believe divinely inspired.

Today was no different.

Matthew 5:23-24

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them: then come and offer your gift.”

Things I am not:

Perfect, young, free of sin, worthless, damaged, bad, pessimistic, loveless, selfish, stupid, lazy, unmotivated, careless, angry, abusive, hateful, an addict, unwilling to learn, better than anyone, ignorant, racist, rich, always right, lonely, inexperienced, void of empathy or mentally ill.

I’m aware I could’ve added more to that list, but you get the point.

Things that I am:

Full of faith

I believe that is all I have to be and everything else gets taken care of. I believe that because I have experienced it. You won’t catch me freaking out about the Coronavirus, not because I don’t think it’s serious enough to be concerned with but because I know with my whole heart that God is sovereign. God is in control, you guys. My faith in God is at a level where I am completely convinced that everything in God’s world is happening under His say so.

I don’t have all the answers. Don’t @ me with “Then why did God let all these people get sick and/or die” because I don’t know. Just like I don’t know how/why God creates the feeling I get when I’m holding my daughter and she smiles at me. I don’t have these answers.

I do know that if you are a man/woman of faith, this is a very good opportunity for you to demonstrate to others what your character and your faith is like.

Are you participating in the mass hysteria? Are you being proactive to protect yourself, your family, your friends/co-workers and even strangers on the street? Are you doubting that things are divinely under control?

I spent a good part of my life living in fear and making bad decision after bad decision because of that. I was gracefully granted freedom from that and the Coronavirus certainly isn’t big enough to sway me from my beliefs.

Maybe you haven’t knocked on deaths door as many times as me and you don’t have a big tolerance for fearful things, that’s ok. I’m glad you didn’t have to live like me. But take a second and look at things in your life that you were convinced were earth shattering while they were happening. Remember that time when you were facing that seemingly life changing event when you were 100% certain things would be different for the rest of your life because of it and 6 months later you could barely even remember it happening?

I am not minimizing things at all. Please don’t think that. All I am trying to do is say, God has our back, you guys. That doesn’t mean that people won’t get sick or die. That doesn’t mean that we won’t have to push through storms and rough seasons in our lives. It just means that when everything is all said and done, we will be ok. I am being careful, I am taking precautions against the spread of COVID-19. I want to do everything within my power to protect my family…but I am not scared.

Do not be plagued with the virus of fear. Do not let faith slip from your grasp in time of tragedy. Be strong and confident that God is protecting His people in the way He sees fit.

I love each and every one of you reading this.

There’s a special place in my heart for children of broken homes, sons and daughters of addicted parents, abused kids, children who grew up in poverty, basically any little boy or girl who had to face more than most have to. I know there’s problems in every family. I know we all had to get through stuff. I’m not talking about the average person. I’m referring to the kids who were placed in a position to internalize their parent’s bullshit. The kids who got hit by their father’s belt and walked away not thinking “Man, I’ll never do that again. I don’t want to get hit by that belt anymore” but instead were plagued by self doubt and insecurity. The ones who walked away from a beating thinking “Why am I not loved enough to be talked to instead of hit?” Or “I wish my dad believed me that I just don’t know why I did that” or “I’m such a bad person that I am being hit with a belt and I bet I’m the reason mom and dad are getting a divorce.”

There are so many kids that believe they were the catalyst for their parents getting a divorce. They walk around with that. Some never think otherwise.

This is why I was so selective when I decided to be with my wife, knowing that even tho she didn’t birth my boys, they would potentially feel the same thoughts as any kid of a broken home felt if her and I didn’t make it.

This is why when I decided to cross that line with her, I did so under God’s direction. When me and their mother went in different directions, I watched my kids, both of them…cry themselves to sleep every night for a very long, uncomfortable amount of time. I can promise you that it was not easy to be strong in those moments. It was not easy to hold my tongue. I did it, and continue to hold my tongue because I don’t want my children to suffer. Truth always rises to the top. I know this to be fact.

My current wife, my boy’s stepmother is more of a rock to this family than I am a lot of the times. I feel completely safe with her as a parent to these children. It is a sense of security that I have always longed for. It is the result of God reliance from the two heads of the household. It is a perfect scenario for a child to be raised in…and we have 3 kids that have the potential to be free of unnecessary pain.

I wonder if lack of God reliance is the reason people do what they do? I wonder how many children suffer because their parents are too proud to surrender to the idea that maybe they are not as strong as they think.

I am not saying that someone who isn’t God reliant can’t raise their kids in a healthy manner, I’m not saying it because I believe they can and do. I’m not contradicting Proverbs 13:24 either. I’m talking about more than that. I just know who I am and I know that if my wife and I weren’t God focused, our children would suffer and I am so grateful we are giving them the love they deserve.

One thing that was always lacking in my life prior to walking on a God focused path was my ability to put my family first before myself.

I want you to go back and re-read that before casting judgement.

I am not saying I didn’t have the desire, which I had so much of, I said I lacked the ability. I wholeheartedly believe that too. I’m not making any excuses for being absent from my family for all that time. I know why I did that. It was because I was being an asshole. But why? Did I want to be an asshole? Absolutely not. I wanted to be there. I even had the wherewithal to connect happiness with being connected to people. I just couldn’t align my desire with my ability.

So I would imagine that if anybody walks that way for a substantial amount of time they lose people. People (family included) start to distance themselves from assholes. I know I do and I know I will continue to. In any case, what happened to me was that I was convinced after years of only being concerned with myself that no one really wanted to be around me or cared what I had to say or enjoyed anything about me. The only talking about me was that of disdain and ridicule. I convinced myself that not only did my family not want anything to do with me, but that even if they did I was of no use to them.

That’s what untreated alcoholism can do. It can convince you, a person of great talent and intelligence, with countless examples of people loving you, pulling for you, praying for you, crying for you, searching for you and yearning for you…

…that you are worthless.

Untreated alcoholism sounds like something else, doesn’t it?

On my path I have changed how I view things slightly. I say slightly because I believe that the principles that afforded me a life of freedom are the same commandments that were divinely provided to all of us.

After years of self torment, self imprisonment, self destruction and a self driven path to loneliness I found myself riding solo and parked right in front of God.

Unbeknownst to me I was shown how to walk a path towards God and shown how to be of service to others. There were commandments/principles surrounding me and I didn’t even know it. I was becoming less lonely, less depressed and more interested in others. I actually grew to a place of feeling useful, sometimes even sought after by others for my experience. It’s a really good feeling coming from where I was before getting sober to that.

There was one thing missing though.

I felt compelled to be back in my family’s lives at whatever capacity they would accept me and I wanted to do that for 2 reasons.

1. I was newly convinced that they did love me and want me around so I wanted to give that to them. In some ways, that’s really all I have to give at times. Unfortunately, I don’t have as much of that as I’d like to give.
2. I believed that by me being recovered, God wanted me to be there and God had a plan for my presence. I also believe that my example may be the catalyst for my family to maybe look at the world a little differently. Maybe my journey towards God reliance and service to others would offer a splinter of hope in a dark time to someone in my family when they really need it. Maybe that is right now while you are reading this. Maybe not.

So, how do I desperately try to connect this now? It may be a stretch, but here it goes.

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 NIV

Here’s the connection part:

So I started walking as close to God as possible, or another way to put that is, I decided to stop being an asshole and started to be as Christ-like as possible. [disclaimer: didn’t know that at the time, I was just following directions] Then, I started naturally wanting to be with my family. To share God orchestrated victories with them. To show up. To try my best to be grateful and giving. I say “try my best” because I occasionally suck at this, just ask my parents or my wife. But I know that Jesus is a perfect model for me. The more I read His word, the more connected I feel. The more I pray, the closer to my Creator I become. The closer I am, the better of a brother I can be to you. The more useful to my family I am.

Now, I only have to consistently persevere and my family will always have the best version of me. If I try to align myself with what I believe to be God’s will, I am permanently protected and my family will be there to witness what God has promised.

There has always been something in me that automatically pushes away ideas that I don’t agree with. Sometimes, or rather more often than not I am scared on some level of what you’re pushing on me so my reaction is even more defensive. In my past life, or pre-God days, I would be willing to fight over these things.

Things like the idea of sobriety. Or how to be a good parent. Or how to treat people with kindness.

I would push away ideas about how to be a good, decent member of a family.

You want to tell me that I would be better off forgiving someone? We can fight.

But….the biggest point of contention was always over God. DO NOT under any circumstances try to push your concept of God on me unless you want to be met with complete resistance. I did some research. I actually did a lot of research and it always felt like the teachings of Jesus were more of a shaming thing. A “If you are a non-believer you are a lesser human” type of thing. Never did I feel welcomed because never was I a believer in Christ.

I still feel like a lot of “Christianity” isn’t for me. What I mean by that is, there’s a lot of people who call themselves Christians that conduct themselves in ways I don’t think Jesus would embrace. This is true for any group of people, I get that. I’m not just pointing a finger at one sect of religion. I consider myself a believer in Christ. I feel that the relationship I have with Him is what’s most important, not the label people attach to me because of my beliefs. You want to call me a Christian? That’s ok. You want to call me a heretic? That’s ok as well. Ultimately, I want to grow closer to God, to tighten my relationship with Him and to treat my brothers and sisters with love.

Check out this quote:

“If the gospel isn’t good news for everybody, then it isn’t good news for anybody. And this is because the most powerful things happen when the church surrenders its desire to convert people and convince them to join. It is when the church gives itself away in radical acts of service and compassion, expecting nothing in return, then the way of Jesus is most vividly put on display. To do this, the church must stop thinking about everybody primarily in categories of in or out, saved or not, believer or nonbeliever. Besides the fact that these terms are offensive to those who are the “un” and “non”, they work against Jesus’ teachings about how we are to treat each other. Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor, and our neighbor can be anybody. We are all created in the image of God, and we are all sacred, valuable creations of God. Everybody matters. To treat people differently based on who believes what is to fail to respect the image of God in everyone. As the book of James says, “God shows no favoritism.” So we don’t either.”
― Rob Bell

I have recently been on the hunt for understanding. Not strictly for Bible knowledge, but exclusively to understand Jesus teaching better. Bible knowledge will be (and started to be) a bi-product of that.

I can’t describe why this is happening, but it’s happening. I have very little free time, but I seem to have been able to carve out 15-20 minutes a day to study. That’s extra weird for me. I am trying to study. I have several different books I am involved in right now. One obviously being the Bible. The other two are Bible related.

Any other time, if I’m studying something, it’s because the knowledge I gain from the study is going to be used as a weapon. In this case, I have no other motive than to be closer to God. I do hope that He changes me to be a better person than I am currently. I hope by doing this I will be a better husband. I want to be a better father and a better son. I hope that by studying scripture with the intent of understanding it better, I can help more people.

If you would’ve tried to push this idea on me, shamed me by pointing out that I am uninformed, positioned yourself as better than me because of your knowledge or understanding… you’d be down one less believer in Christ. I hope that you think about that. I hope that you can apply this idea to your life, with all your beliefs.

When it comes to it, sobriety for me has been easier than you might think. (This time at least) Staying sober is not difficult when the right Solution is in play. Staying sober being directed by my own thoughts and desires however is without a doubt, completely impossible.

On January 2nd, 2009 I walked into my most recent treatment episode as a patient. I was lost, broken, alone, void of love in all aspects and hopeless. I had nothing and felt like even less than that. I was dark spirited and suicidal.

I made a last ditch effort of an agreement with myself to try sobriety…

…one last time.

This was it. If I failed, I would end my own life, just as I was about to do before making the decision to try sobriety again. I am a unicorn in the recovery community based on what the majority of people will tell you. I have always heard “You have to do it for yourself. You can’t get sober for anyone else.”

No, actually that’s not true at all. I didn’t get sober for me, I got sober for Canaan and for Canaan alone. I had no other reason to stay sober or to even inhale another breath.

I was in a car, ready to end my life. That couldn’t be anymore true. I had a plan. I had the means. I was 30 seconds from making it happen.

The thing is, what I know now, is that even with the gift of free will, God still has the ability to perform miracles for people against their own will. That is what happened to and for me.

God intervened divinely and projected the most vivid image of my son’s face inches away from mine. I could not see anything else for a few seconds. Typing this literally brings tears to my eyes because it was that powerful, that real and that life changing. The little blessing from God was the catalyst to me even being alive right now.

Everything after that point was a result of me submitting everything, my whole self and entire life to God. Everything I have is a gift as a result. My life couldn’t be anymore full of love now. There’s tight moments, of course…but I haven’t gone through a single season that has been powerful enough for me to be swayed from my path towards my Father.

I have a beautiful family that loves me, looks at me like I’ve always yearned for and supports me. I have a career I couldn’t be more in love with. I have a host of friends that would do anything for me. I have a wife that stands next to me in every way and walks towards God along side of me, motivating me when I need it.

But more than anything, I have Love for life. I have freedom. I have Protection.

I have God in every second of every day and I have had that for the last eleven years.

If you played a part in my recovery on any level, “Thank you.”

There’s a bunch of really, and I mean REALLY cheesy sayings out there. You’ll find them on “inspirational” memes, kitchen plaques, removable vinyl stickers in people’s houses, tee shirts, coffee mugs, bumpers of cars, etc…

They read things like “Too blessed to be stressed” or “Live, Laugh, Love” and occasionally you’ll come across the motherload of cliche sayings “It’s not the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away.” Terrible, I know.

The thing about these little quotes is, they are usually all true. I’ve done a lot of changing over the years. I changed my behaviors. I’ve changed how I dress. How I cut my hair, how I speak. I have changed where I say I’m from. I changed how I view people and how I view God. I have changed what my definition of happiness is and I have changed what I put value in. I changed the type of people I choose to be around, what I think about myself, how smart I think I am, my openness to seeking guidance and direction. I have changed how responsible I am. I have changed how honest I am and I have changed how I talk about people. I have changed my understanding of how to resolve conflict and how I give and receive love. There’s a long list of how I have changed. Disclaimer: There’s also a decent sized list of how I haven’t, I’m a work in progress.

I have also changed how I view the validity and merit of the cheesy, cliche saying “Nothing short of a miracle.”

I have gone into great detail about who I was as a father before I got sober. The years that my eldest son was alive until he turned 7 years old. I was a monster. An abuser. An absentee dad. A complete loser. My son has every reason in the world to hate me. To never forgive me. He has every reason to never speak to me again and if he chose that, I would have to take it on the chin and deal with it.

In fact, that is how I planned on my sobriety going. I thought that I wouldn’t have an opportunity to really parent him daily. Maybe like every other weekend I could see him or something. I decided to get sober and seek God despite these possibilities.

Once I made that decision, the decision to get close to God strictly because God is good in every way, despite what I may want in life…I believe God performed something that was nothing short of a miracle. Not only did God change me almost completely in many ways, but He also appointed me to be a trustee for one of His kids. That in itself was miraculous enough.

Trust me.

He then went further. He gave me the wisdom, the love, the kindness, the softness, the patience, the determination, the guidance, the hustle, the lack of desire to ever drink or use drugs again…and He gave all that to me so that I could show my son what God could do and who God is. He changed me so that I could be a daily example of how big God truly is.

The relationship I have with my son today is nothing short of a miracle. It is a tangible example of how God has the absolute power to heal. To mend relationships. To shape people. To provide the power to love again.

Acts 3:16

By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has completely healed him, as you can all see.

“And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not.”

There are two ways to look at those who are lost. I think I learned this thoroughly due to my time spent lost vs my time spent trying to be who I think God wants me to be. I can judge them as being a bad person or I can judge them for being distant from God and try to help them. And to be clear, when I say lost I mean completely void of the true comfort found in the love of God. You may have whatever understanding of God that you want. I can’t imagine where I would be right now if my sponsor judged me for my lack of God when we first met and distanced himself from me instead of pulling me in closer.

Prior to getting sober, I spent a lot of time judging others. It was a practice that not only prolonged my misery but did so by delusionally convincing me that I was justified in my actions. My problem at its core is disconnection and/or lack of love, so judging others only instigates my problem more.

So I strategically used the phrase “prior to getting sober” because it describes to you that I am referring to me at my worst, but my judgement of others didn’t stop when I put down the bottle down and threw the needles away. I continued. I furthered my misery by feeding my separation from others.

In the first words of this writing I referenced scripture that states that we will see a distinction between people. It says we will judge. I think for me, in this context that is a good thing. It just boils down to what I am using the judgement for? Am I using it to put myself in a higher position than others or am I using it to recognize who needs my help?

I think we all judge. I think that’s ok. I just think it’s important to use the judgement to help people.

I can certainly do this, um….better. I look at social media, a platform that only encourages judgement. “Oh, Sally just had a baby, look at her and her beautiful family!”

That’s a judgement. A healthy one.

“Oh Sally just had ANOTHER baby. She can’t even really handle the kids she has now. I feel bad for her.”

That’s also a judgement.

I feel fairly trapped in social media and it is a topic I feel very weak in. I don’t think I’m using it for the best reasons most of time and I yearn to separate myself from it.

I think for me, the less I judge, the better off I am, but I don’t think it will ever go away. I prefer to notice things; to see the distinction between those who serve God and those who don’t because I want to seek direction from those that serve God and help those who don’t. Both of which I can be doing better.

My preference is to align my needs with those who have weathered a similar storm before and to listen, but filter out direction from those who give direction based on speculation sans principles. You don’t have to have gone through the same season as me to direct me to principle. This is why I absolutely love my sponsor. He has given me stellar direction every time I went to him because he always reverts to the following principles:

Am I being my brother’s keeper?

Am I doing something that will help me grow spiritually?

Am I causing harm or not?

Am I seeing where I can give rather than what I can take?

Am I sowing seeds of love or of fear?

My sponsor and I don’t see eye to eye on everything but we do both share the same views of how to serve God and my belief is that is why we are both still alive and happy today. He’s the reason I understand a lot about God and I am forever in his debt. He’s the catalyst for me relying on God. He started me off with understanding that service to others is the best way to maintain a relationship with God. He instilled this in me by showing me over and over and over again how to put your live on hold to help your brothers and sisters. Oh, and guess what else, with your judgy little self? He’s helped more people than you and 25 of your friends combined. I’m being very conservative with that number too.

And he is not like me or you in many ways. He doesn’t share the same views of God that I do. He doesn’t share the same views of homosexuality as I do. I’m pretty sure we don’t share the same political views either, but we don’t really discuss that.

But he is free.

Even with all the differences between us.

He. Is. Free.

Everyone walking this planet has a gift. My belief is that each one of our gifts have been divinely given to us. You may be skilled in working with people directly. Your neighbor may be gifted with the ability to build houses. Your little cousin Ricky might be an amazing soccer player. I think we all possess the ability to do something more effectively or better than the average person.

Then there’s some people that are gifted in more than one area of life…and they are gifted at such a level that even a non-believer who sees them wonders how that person can pull off what they do. They can clearly see there is something bigger working in or for that person.

That’s my wife. She is gifted with many things, but I am going to focus on one for now.

My wife has an ability that is God given and God gifted. She has something that is scarce in my experience. She carries a love for her children that I don’t see all the time. It’s natural. It’s pure. It is absolutely beautiful. It’s a clear demonstration of what a God reliant woman can offer the world. I knew this about her for years prior to Sunday. In fact, seeing the way she loves our kids was one of the biggest catalysts for me being able to love her.

But Sunday God blessed us again and took that love and increased it even more, to a level I don’t have the capacity to put words to. For me personally, since getting sober I have always attributed the love parents can tap into as it relates to their newborn children as the purest form of love we can feel for each other as humans. Nothing higher. For me, that is the closest manifestation of the love God has for His children that we will touch while walking this planet. I think it’s all there, at least for certain parents. Love takes precedence over pain. Sacrifice beats out ease and convenience. Commitment reaches a level that can not be comprehended. I am prepared to give up my life for my children and I know my wife feels the same way.

I believe that every event, every hardship, every lost relationship, every win, every loss, every moment that I have lived through up until Sunday morning at 5:16am prepared me for that next moment. I believe I would not have been emotionally, mentally or spiritually ready to fully witness the love that came at 5:17am.

Time stood still for a moment and the only thing present was true love. When I witnessed my wife give birth to our daughter and I saw the emotions in my wife as a result, man… I seriously just don’t have the words.

Find that, please.

It’s available and not just through child birth.

In any case, I know I am failing while typing this. I know I’m not capable of describing the admiration I have for my wife as it relates to her natural gift of mothering our children. Candidly, I am envious of it. I strive to be more like her in that respect. I feel like the birth of our daughter is going to provide me that opportunity in a way that I didn’t latch onto fully with my boys. I certainly can’t love a child more than I love my boys, but I can love our daughter equally. I already do. What I’m saying is, I think having a girl was orchestrated by God. I think meeting my wife was orchestrated by God. The timing in itself was divinely written. I think this was all His plan and I am so happy to be fully present to recognize that. I can look back at my life and see that clearly. It’s absolutely amazing. I have already had my heart softened by my daughter and she’s only a few days old. I fully embrace the rest of the changes God has for me and my family and I’m just so thrilled to share them with you.