Month: March 2011

Yesterday I drove through the hood. Traffic was bad on the highway, so I cut through West Baltimore. Ever since I have “woken up”, I see things clearer. Yesterday was no exception. I looked at the run down houses, the abandominiums…I saw the dope boys, they were still out. I saw the metro train run past. The knockers posting up. The dude on the step, shaking as he poured whatever liquor he had hidden in that black plastic bag that every corner store in the city has behind the counter, into his paper Pepsi cup. I saw the relief, the instant relief he felt as he swallowed it down. I saw the hand to hands. The blue lit cameras on the street lights. The desperate for money girls working. I saw it all.

The difference was, yesterday…I didn’t stop. I didn’t find a strategic place to park my car where neither the cops, nor the dope boys would see. I didn’t take that 3 block walk to the alley where the good dope shop was set up. I didn’t have to look over my shoulder. I didn’t have to make sure I had at least enough water in the car to fill a needle with. I didn’t check my money. I didn’t come up with a plan to short the dealer. I didn’t have to mix up anything to feel right.

I already felt it.

That comfort is constant today if I want it to be. Over the past two weeks I have been given far more examples of reasons to be grateful for my life than I needed. I saw a kid, a young kid in shock trauma, who’s head was swelled up to the size of an official NBA regulation basketball who I saw days prior completely fine and smiling. I got to see both my boys in the same place, at the same time, everyday. I got a tax refund that is still in the bank and is not circulating North West Baltimore. I rocked my baby to sleep more times than I can count. I saw a dear friend of mine get locked up as a direct result of his actions. I helped people. I heard a kid tell me his deepest, darkest secrets with confidence simply because he saw G-d in my eyes. I called my mother almost everyday, not because I needed anything, just because. I woke up happy and went to sleep…happy and at peace. I made it to work on time, everyday. I ate good. I paid bills. I laughed and more importantly, made people laugh. I was able to show up as a father. I actually am capable of playing the role of Daddy today. And guess what? There is nothing I’d rather be doing. My little baby is asleep right now, under my care…because G-d is letting me.

A little over 2 years ago, I would be on that corner. I would be tied off. I would be burning my fingers and lips. I would be vomiting. I would be ducking the knockers and the dope boys. I would be welcoming death…anyway I could get it. What changed? How did this transformation happen?

I asked for it. I asked for help. When I was shown a way, I ran with it. I stopped doing things the way I thought was best. I stopped being so selfish. I cleaned up my past. I prayed. I breathed. I tried to help.

That’s all.

There’s a certain feeling I get when my children fall asleep in my arms. It is unmatched by any other feeling. It changes over time the older they get. When they are at their smallest, I feel like the protector. I feel like a necessity. They could not fall asleep without me.

This idea, although comforting, is false. It is not a reality. It is a delusion I allow myself to suffer from at times because it makes me feel important.

The truth is, that they would fall asleep just fine without me…and often have.

When my oldest son was my youngest son’s age, I was a mess. I would be in the house, I would occasionally participate in the duties of a parent, but not even close to what I should’ve.

I can only imagine how many opportunities I missed to hold my son until he fell asleep. How many chances I had to be there to “protect” him. How many times I was “needed”, but didn’t show up. I slept through my fatherly duties. I did the minimum. Although I never loved my son any less than I do today, the majority of the time that I carried him at night, I did so to avoid a fight.

My youngest son will be 15 weeks old tomorrow. He has never seen me drunk. He has never been forced to inhale the Southern Comfort polluted breath that his father is capable of exhaling. He has never tasted beer soaked lips. And he never will.

There are some nay sayers out there in the world that say, “never say never”. I pray for them. I refuse to live that way. My children will never see that side of me. My youngest son never will…and my oldest son never will again. You see, today I have an option. I can either do what I have to do to remain close to G-d…or not. If I choose to turn my back on Him, it is only a matter of time before I turn my back on them. That’s just the way it is. We all have choices, we all have people in our lives we can either hurt or help. Everyone does. It’s just that some of us hurt them all until they are gone. What will you do? Will you lay down and let your selfishness get the best of you? That question isn’t just for alcoholics. It’s for all the parents out there. It’s for all the brothers and sisters. All the neighbors, employees, strangers…everyone. We all have the opportunity to carry someone else. There is always someone who needs help. This is why I can say my children will never have to witness the man that I once was.

I rocked my baby to sleep today and a needle never gave me that kind of relief.

I haven’t posted anything on here for awhile and I have no intention of keeping up with this like I was before. For some reason though, I find myself logging in to post some thoughts.

The other day, someone told me that the people that post status updates on their facebook page, only do so because they want people to pay attention to them. They want people to read, “like” and/or comment on what they have to say. This was said to me like it was asinine. Perhaps it is, perhaps no one wants to be the person that starves for attention but does everything they can do to receive that attention. I believe I am somewhere in the middle. I don’t wish to be ignored, but I also have no intentions on being the star of the show anymore. I think the need to be the center of attention goes away with a little dose of G-d reliance. I was taught to help in silence but be quick to tell those still suffering how to get out of misery. I do my best with that. I guess just by saying that in a public forum makes me a bit of a hypocrite, but I don’t really care.

My children constantly crave attention and I constantly give them mine. They deserve it. I think on some level we all do. I think if I were to tell you I never need to be given attention on some level, you could rightfully call me a liar.

I am a kid at heart. I am wise enough to not act out for attention, but grateful enough of this life I have been given to embrace it when it comes. I think that’s why I give my sons all the attention I can…because I want so much for them to taste the life I live. I want my life, with G-d included to be attractive to them.

I spent the last hour at least holding my 3 month old son. He went from screaming and crying at first, to gently sleeping in my arms. It took the whole hour for him to go from one extreme to the other, but he eventually was at peace.

My life was exactly that way. I lived so long being restless. Crying. Panic stricken. Hungry for something. Only to finally submit. One day finally having enough of being miserable and just closing my eyes and being at peace.