Month: December 2011

We scrambled from store to store…just trying to find something worth pawning. We went to a major discount department store. We took a cart, a duffel bag and headed to the dvds. I filled that duffel bag with new released dvds. I covered the bag with some shirts I grabbed off the rack and wheeled the cart to the garden center. The car was coming around the side. I threw the bag over and threw myself over the fence. I cut myself badly.

We were a solid hour away from the spot to sell them, frantically pulling off the stickers the whole way. Sweating. Shivering. Choking down vomit and clenching my ass shut to avoid shitting myself. I could pull maybe 4 drags off a cigarette before I had to stop. My vision was blurry as I constantly panned the road looking for cops. The ride was the worst part.

I remember seeing all the families in the store shopping. Spending their hard earned paychecks on gifts for their kids. The last time I saw my kids I screamed at them. I threw up in the bathroom, screamed at them for something minor and left. That was days ago. But these families were happy. They were pointing at this and that. “So and so would love this” or “Dad could really use that”. I couldn’t even begin to think like that. Sure I would love to be able to do that kind of thing, but I’m not able. I’m not built for that life. I’m a junkie…have been since 14 years old.

There is truth to that.

At that time in my life, I wasn’t able. I wasn’t willing. I wasn’t capable of doing anything but serving myself. G-d wasn’t in my line of sight. At all. I mean, why would He be? I couldn’t even breathe. I couldn’t do anything. I was shit. A complete piece of shit. So, I believed that I would always be a junkie. It would never and could never change.

This past weekend I went out with my girlfriend and two other friends. We went to several stores and a shopping mall. I purchased gifts. I laughed. I pointed out things that other people would like… and I bought them. We got coffee and cracked jokes with each other. We had lunch. We listened to music. We made memories. And the sole purpose of being there was to get something for others.

I sometimes just sit and look at my life. Today I was at a traffic light and I was doing what every other American does at traffic lights, I was looking at my phone. I was looking at pictures of my family and just smiling. I’m so blessed. I feel like my life couldn’t get any better, but everyday that passes…every year that passes, I prove myself wrong.

And it was just a matter of trying to not try. I just gave up. I asked for help and did what I was told. I listened and breathed. I can’t imagine living any other way. Actually, for me…any other way isn’t even living.

I know you have seen the Matrix. So in those scenes where Neo is about to get shot by a million bullets but he appears to be moving in slow motion, dodging all of them, but for all intents and purposes the rest of the word is moving at normal speed…

My nose is running so bad. It’s fucking freezing out. December in Bmore is nothin nice. December in Bmore when you’re dope sick is even worse. The trip in to Coldspring was brutal. I almost got off the metro at the Reisterstown Road Plaza stop just to get it quicker, but it was a longer walk, and it was a gamble so I stayed strong and stayed on. Yeah, I can do that for dope. I can do whatever it takes to get high. It’s everything else I fail at. So I get off the metro, smacking my shoulder into everyone in front of me as I hustle past them towards the steps. I bounce down the steps, two at time. The security guard gives me the same shitty ass sideways look that he always gives me as I roll past his booth. I’m a damn surgeon when it comes to putting the ticket in the gate to get through. Everyone else seems to get caught up.

At the bottom of the escalator is the normal team of guys trying to sell their “day pass, yo. I got that day pass.” They get passed by too. Up the steps to the street, over the tracks…2 blocks up on the left by the fugazi of a car repair shop I check for my girl. She isn’t there.

I shuffle up  to the McDonald’s where I overdosed that one day, nobody there that I want to see at least. So I’m at the corner now. This old head comes up to me where the crippled old man is sellin loose ones. She said “Damn honey, you better zip that vest up, sugar.” I respond “Nah Mommy, that shits busted.” And just like that, shit slows down…

…I see my man across Park Heights walking up. But not everything is slow motion. Everything to my left and right is moving at normal speed. Everything between me and him is in slow motion though. I run his way. Earlier in the trip I could barely walk, but now I can run.  He sees me and flags me around the building to wait for him. I do…and the world is right.

Today on the way home from work I called my boss. I asked him about taking a few days off around the holidays. He insisted I take a whole week, paid. I was shocked. I mean it’s in my contract at work and all, but it was just weird to hear. The truth is, I qualify for 2 weeks off.

Paid.

This week I’ll get paid and I’ll be able to get presents for my people. My son. My father and step mom. My Mother. My baby momma. My brother. Hopefully my cousin. I should be able to get something small for everyone and still catch up on bills. I’ll get to be available to whomever wants to see me or my kin. I’ll be willing to drive to meet people. I’ll be able to do for everyone else. I won’t have to worry, be completely consumed…with me.

What I’m hoping is that for a few minutes, on that week that I just get to be with my family, seeing my kids playing. Playing with them. Laughing with family. That the world slows down long enough for me to capture that memory. Capture that Love, so that I never have to substitute anything or anybody for it again.

Perception is a funny thing. It can change monthly, weekly, daily or by the hour for me. One minute I can’t take anymore and the next is filled with patience. Meaning what is intolerable at one moment can be perfectly acceptable the next. You wronging me can easily change to you doing what you need to do, and really has nothing to do with me.

A few years ago my perception had me believing that I would never be anything more than a drunk. Never be a father. Never be a good son. That you were a problem and if you would just mind your own fucking business…everything would be fine. I don’t need you, any of you. I only need you if I need money or an alibi or the like…but certainly nothing of merit.

My job was to feel better, that is all. Everything else in life could wait until that job was accomplished.

My life was shit. I pretended to be happy. Meanwhile I was smashing the dreams of my wife, destroying any ideas I had about how I would one day parent my kids if I ever had them. And torturing the two kids I had at the time. I’ve discussed this before, but one of those kids is no longer my responsibility to parent. This is not how I wanted things, but my perception is different.

Today I know that everything will be fine. I am able to show up when called on. Today that child that I once was a complete monster to, called his mother to inform us that he has a game tonight. His mother and I are both ill (not “ill” like I once was, legitimately sick). I even cancelled plans with a friend because I didn’t want to leave her sick with the kids. I told him that she or I would find a way to be there. The day went on. I progressively felt worse.

Needless to say, I’m about to gear up and carry my oldest son to his brother’s game. I am able to do this because today I perceive my role as a giver rather than a taker. Today I know that by doing for others I will feel better. I try to do this as often as I can. Sometimes, I fall short of this way of life…and every time that happens, I pay for it. People get hurt.

So right now I’m going to get off here and go get my son ready, kiss my ex wife and go be a father…even if my son isn’t “mine” anymore.