Think about the most terrifying moment of your life. I’ll wait…
Prior to yesterday, the scariest moments of my life were about me. I’ve had some real big boy shit happen in my life and the lives of my loved ones in the past 3 years, and before that I don’t remember much, but most of the time I’ve known that G-d would take care of us. Even if I didn’t see it at first, you know, in the middle of it… it didn’t take long for me to see what He has done for me and that He wouldn’t change now. So even when I was walking into a court room about to go to jail…I was ok. Even when the relationship I am in with the woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with is on the rocks… I am ok. Even when my baby boy had to get put under for a medical procedure… I was ok. I have moments of discomfort, some bigger than others, but in short order I am redirected toward G-d.
Last night was no exception, but it was different.
Last night was a life changer.
It happened quickly, out of the blue, all of the sudden…
…in the middle of the night. The lives of the woman I love, my step son and mine were impacted. Just like that. My son’s life was affected too, but he didn’t even know it at the time.
The bedroom door busts open. The room is completely dark. I see light coming from the hallway and hear my step son, panicked, voice full of fear:
“SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH CANAAN!!! HE ISN’T BREATHING!!!”
Without thought I am up, his mother at my side. The few steps to his room seemed like a mile long. I arrive at his bed and see something that will never escape my memory. My 10 year old son, laying there lifeless, eyes wide open, pupils filling his entire eyes, the light reflecting off the saliva on his face. It was terrifying.
I try to snap him out of the trance like state he is in. I feel his heart. It was beating faster than I even knew a heart could beat. I shake him, we’re all yelling, we get no response.
I pick him up and carry him to the living room. Everything is happening so fast. None of us really knew what to do. I sit him up thinking that he will wake up. I thought he was in some sort of dream state, like sleep walking where the mind is asleep but the body functions. I thought that was why his eyes were open. But when I sit him up, his body goes limp. His neck won’t hold up his head. His mother and brother are yelling his name, I know they were saying more but in my head everything was echoing. I know I responded to whatever they were saying, or at least I think I was, but at this moment I can’t recall any of the words. I just remember getting up, running to get my shoes, his mother running to get socks and a sweatshirt on him. His brother more upset than I have ever seen him. It was a bad scene.
I carry him outside, run to my truck and I’m holding him with one arm trying to find my keys with the other. It’s freezing out. It’s the kind of cold that should wake up anyone. But not my son. He is still like dead weight in my arms. I had to switch arms and get my keys out of the other pocket. I’m struggling.
I get him in the front seat, screaming for him to wake up. He is shifting back and forth. But not coming out of it. Strap his seatbelt on. We’re off. I keep my right hand on his chest expecting to stop feeling his heart beat at any second. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.
Twenty minutes in…
We arrived at the ER and I run as fast as I can to the other side of the truck and scoop him out. I hustle him inside wailing for help. While I’m holding him, he vomits.
Then they bring in a wheel chair, I put him in it and he vomits again.
We rush to the back, nurses are all over him. Asking him if he hears them. He is now able to gently slur some sound from his mouth but no words yet. Maybe ten minutes later he is able to talk. He doesn’t know his name. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know where he is.
Now, imagine how scary that was for a 10 year old boy.
Eventually they took some blood. For this procedure (which happened about 3 hours from when my eyes opened) he was himself. He was smiling at the nurses. The one nurse said “Now Canaan, I’m just gonna stand here and hold your arm, ok?”
Canaan quickly responded “That’s never a good sign.”
We all laughed, including him. Then they took the blood while i kissed his salty tears from his face, gripping his other hand while he tried to break the grip. Multiple hours and multiple doctors asking me a million and one questions later, we are discharged with the knowledge that he had a seizure and instructions on what to do next. On the way out of the hospital I carried him to my truck. I was both relieved and shook at the same time. My faith that G-d was watching over us, restored.
Think about the most terrifying moment of your life.
Mine lasted the better part of 5 hours in the middle of last night.
Tomorrow is another day.