There are times when I looked around that neighborhood and the people in it and thought to myself “How did I end up here? How did I willingly throw away everything I had just to be homeless and broken with nothing except this needle and this empty bag?”
I used to get so overwhelmed with problems. Obsessed with all my problems. Never interested really in finding a Solution for them all, just looking for a quick “out” to forget about them. Never willing to submit myself to anything Bigger than me. I just wanted to feel better for that moment. My family is home worried about me? That’s their problem. My kid is wondering where his daddy is? He’ll be fine and I’ll get my shit together one day and make it up to him. The police are looking for me? I really don’t give a fuck. I don’t have any money? Hahahaha, never did anyway.
Then I would see the people I surrounded myself with and see what I left behind, in my child primarily, and convince myself that he is better off without me. I would emotionally and mentally murder myself with the thought that everything that was wrong with me, every struggle I went through was the fault of someone else so I could never fix anything. It was only when I decided to see that the problem was in me that I had a chance to get better.
Today it’s the same. More of the same. Same reason I struggle today is the same reason I struggled when I wasn’t sober. The biggest difference today, is that getting drunk or shooting dope and coke isn’t an option anymore so I feel every ounce of pain I allow myself to. Every unpleasant thing in my life hurts. Why? Because I’m not letting that Solution handle things for me. My problems become big enough that I am temporarily blinded. It’s temporary because the spiritual malady I still have only allows me to take enough pain before I am forced to do something about it. The same two options are still the ONLY two options for me.
Either get high.
Or seek G-d.
Today, my threshold for pain is much bigger than it was back then tho. Today, I can swallow enough discomfort to push everyone that cares for me away and end up alone. Sometimes I think that’s better for everyone. Then, there’s always a window of time where I decide to do something about it. I think my kids save me from going the wrong way.
I wish I could say that I am strong by myself. That even without my kids in my life, I would never go back to that life. But I can’t say that. At my weakest moments they unknowingly save my life. I have never been close to returning to the life I left behind. Not once in the last handful of years and sometimes I think that they are the only reasons why. I will continue to push through any hardships I have. Any life challenges. Anything you try to do to stop me from being the best father I know how to be because they need me.
I just need to remember that I am not, have never been, nor will ever be capable of doing that alone.
I always will need that Help.