Month: February 2019

The chosen title for this blog of mine came from what my life was at one point to what I thought was the top of what life could offer me. The truth is that I always wanted to be a good father. I’ve always had a connection with kids. I have always had an admiration for their innocence and ability to love blindly. I always thought that being a father would be my opportunity to truly shape a child into the type of person I always wanted to be but wasn’t able to be. A good, loving person.

Alcoholism was a huge hurdle to get over. The struggle of living with untreated alcoholism is something that can break down the strongest of wills. Walking through life with an absence of God (alcoholism) is a path that deterred me from being a father. It’s that strong. It convinced me that drugs and alcohol were the only thing that could provide me the relief I yearned for.

Today I have God. I love God and try to be the type of person that I think God wants me to be. I have a very very long way to go. I am on my phone way too much. I am distant in relationships. I find comfort in worldly things too much. I lose my temper. I am selfish. I get frustrated easily.

I am human.

The best part about knowing that I am protected by God and trying (keyword) to be the type of man God wants me to be is that my alcoholism stays in check. I can still be a present loving father. I still see the very same things in children as I always have. I remain hopeful that provided I continue to simply try to be a certain type of person I will continue to grow. Grow as a better person and grow as a better father.

Grow deeper in love with life.

My journey in recovery over the last decade has afforded me the sight to constantly see God working in my life. If it does nothing else…I am satisfied.

This week, as I mentioned in my last post, I took my son on an appointment at John’s Hopkins Pediatric Neurology. A place we have gone more times than I would care for. One thing that has always happened when the two of us go is that we bond. We have grown closer every time he had an appointment. It’s like that idea that crisis or bad times have the ability for people to grow closer together. It happens at least for me every time. Canaan sees that I am trying to be the type of man I think God wants me to be. He knows me. He knows who I was before having a relationship with God. He knows who I am since. We have stayed in this together. The 3 of us. Me, Canaan and God. Of course my wife has been amazing but scheduling restrictions usually have just Canaan and I going on these appointments…but we go every time with God.

It appears that we have endured the journey. Those days are over.

I received a call from his neurologist yesterday that he has beaten his epilepsy.

He simply outgrew it. I am comfortable enough to share that I immediately started crying the happiest tears of joy I have shed in a very long time. It moved me. It was a slap in the face that God has us protected. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that one day Canaan will see that I walked with him confidently into every appointment with God in my heart. I believe that one day Canaan will see that even despite very serious uncertainties pertaining to his health, that I knew God would protect him.

I believe that by me, in those moments, walking with God, Canaan will connect the dots and see that I was trying to be the father he deserved. I hope that in my growth I will achieve that goal one day. I hope more than anything that I have and will continue to be an example to him that God’s Love has the ability to overcome any fear, obstacle and any hardship.

I hope that he finds a relationship with God without going through anymore pain first.

It seems like an eternity that I’ve been bringing my son to appointments like this. It hasn’t been an eternity at all, but it feels like it. I believe he had his first seizure at age 9 or so. I remember that like it was yesterday. I wrote about that experience before so I’m not going to do that again. It was a very traumatic experience at the time though. I was maybe 3 or 4 years sober and it was the first thing that really scared the living shit out of me in sobriety.

Throughout my life, the wisest of people always told me to be grateful that I had my health and that my kids were healthy. There are few instances prior to Canaan’s first seizure that I understood that. There are even less instances since, that I haven’t.

The wellbeing and overall health of my children is a constant point of concern of mine. A lot of people think I’m too overprotective, I think I’m just fine. I know they’ll experience pain in life, physical or otherwise but I just want to shield them from as much of it as I can while I can and still allow them to learn the lessons life needs them to learn.

We are currently hanging out in the waiting area at John’s Hopkins Neurology. If you have never spent any time in a neurology department, be thankful. There are some people in really bad shape here. There is a plus to it though, for me it reminds me of what I have to be grateful for.

So my son has generalized epilepsy. His particular epilepsy only causes him to have seizures while sleeping. We are here because we are hopeful that he has possibly outgrown it. His Neurologist advised us that he needed to be sleep deprived for this test so that he can sleep while getting it done.

He went to work with me today and has been nodding out all day from not going to bed before 4am and waking up at 7:30. He’s a real trooper. He has kept his personality light all day and he also got to see me working for the bulk of the day which I think he enjoyed.

So there’s nothing in this post that will be witty, humorous or anything like that. I’m just voicing that I am grateful for everything as it is. My son is epileptic, but he could be in far worse condition. He could also have out grown it and we should find out soon.

If you are a parent reading this, I wish you and your children the best of health. And listen, it’s not like epilepsy is really all that bad. It’s more inconvenient than anything…but I still want him to be free of it. Kids (especially this one) have enough to deal with in life.

I am most grateful that I have the ability to be present to support him today. That I can be the father I always wanted to be. That I feel God is here with us both at this very moment. It’s a beautiful thing to feel protected.