Month: November 2019

Everyone walking this planet has a gift. My belief is that each one of our gifts have been divinely given to us. You may be skilled in working with people directly. Your neighbor may be gifted with the ability to build houses. Your little cousin Ricky might be an amazing soccer player. I think we all possess the ability to do something more effectively or better than the average person.

Then there’s some people that are gifted in more than one area of life…and they are gifted at such a level that even a non-believer who sees them wonders how that person can pull off what they do. They can clearly see there is something bigger working in or for that person.

That’s my wife. She is gifted with many things, but I am going to focus on one for now.

My wife has an ability that is God given and God gifted. She has something that is scarce in my experience. She carries a love for her children that I don’t see all the time. It’s natural. It’s pure. It is absolutely beautiful. It’s a clear demonstration of what a God reliant woman can offer the world. I knew this about her for years prior to Sunday. In fact, seeing the way she loves our kids was one of the biggest catalysts for me being able to love her.

But Sunday God blessed us again and took that love and increased it even more, to a level I don’t have the capacity to put words to. For me personally, since getting sober I have always attributed the love parents can tap into as it relates to their newborn children as the purest form of love we can feel for each other as humans. Nothing higher. For me, that is the closest manifestation of the love God has for His children that we will touch while walking this planet. I think it’s all there, at least for certain parents. Love takes precedence over pain. Sacrifice beats out ease and convenience. Commitment reaches a level that can not be comprehended. I am prepared to give up my life for my children and I know my wife feels the same way.

I believe that every event, every hardship, every lost relationship, every win, every loss, every moment that I have lived through up until Sunday morning at 5:16am prepared me for that next moment. I believe I would not have been emotionally, mentally or spiritually ready to fully witness the love that came at 5:17am.

Time stood still for a moment and the only thing present was true love. When I witnessed my wife give birth to our daughter and I saw the emotions in my wife as a result, man… I seriously just don’t have the words.

Find that, please.

It’s available and not just through child birth.

In any case, I know I am failing while typing this. I know I’m not capable of describing the admiration I have for my wife as it relates to her natural gift of mothering our children. Candidly, I am envious of it. I strive to be more like her in that respect. I feel like the birth of our daughter is going to provide me that opportunity in a way that I didn’t latch onto fully with my boys. I certainly can’t love a child more than I love my boys, but I can love our daughter equally. I already do. What I’m saying is, I think having a girl was orchestrated by God. I think meeting my wife was orchestrated by God. The timing in itself was divinely written. I think this was all His plan and I am so happy to be fully present to recognize that. I can look back at my life and see that clearly. It’s absolutely amazing. I have already had my heart softened by my daughter and she’s only a few days old. I fully embrace the rest of the changes God has for me and my family and I’m just so thrilled to share them with you.

When I was growing up I never prayed. Well, I never prayed for anything I should have at least and that wasn’t because of my age and it wasn’t because of ignorance. It was because of disbelief and nothing more. I never believed in the power of prayer because I never had a reason to.

I prayed for mercy. I prayed to get out of trouble. I never prayed for anyone else. I never prayed for guidance. I prayed to be relieved of misery and I prayed for relief from the pain associated with heroin withdrawal. I prayed to prevent the lights on the cop car behind me from turning on.

I have experienced some very dark times in my life, most of which self induced. I drank myself into some of the darkest, scariest moments you can imagine. I have been as close to killing myself as you can get without actually pulling the trigger or yanking that steering wheel into oncoming traffic. My spirit has been so dark that there were times in my life when I actually liked it. I felt comfort in my distance from God (not knowing I was distant from God) because in that darkness I felt like it couldn’t get any worse. My life getting better wasn’t an option, I knew I was doomed to a life of discomfort and misery, so knowing that I was to live in a demonic-esqe (I just made that word up, you’re welcome) lifestyle actually soothed me.

Until it didn’t. Until I realized I was wrong about it not getting worse.

And then… I just was consumed by hopelessness.

Eventually I was exposed to a way of life that offered a Solution strong enough to insert a splinter of light into me and clear cut directions to turn that splinter into a light so bright that it has brought me to my knees, both figuratively and literally, both in good ways.

Prayer was a big part of that. Prayers followed by consistent action.

I recently went to a worship event at church. For the folks who don’t know what that is, it’s a night to praise God through music. I never knew this was a thing either, don’t worry. Through a friend, I ended up with a spot close to the front, but in between two strangers. The person on my right was a 8-10 year old boy playing Nintendo Switch the whole time and to his right was his mother. I could be wrong, but it appeared that she was a single mother.

To my left was a young man holding a brand new baby. He held her for the first two songs until he handed her off and took a seat in a room full of hundreds of people standing and he sat there and prayed for basically the rest of the night.

I spent the rest of the night taking note of these two families. This in turn had me thinking of my family. It had me thinking about worshipping God and my approach to it. It had me reflecting on all the good God has done for me and my family. It had me recognizing that the light in my life in contrast to the darkness that I lived in for so long was nothing short of miraculous.

Since getting sober, I never prayed with anyone other than at the beginning or the end of a meeting. People drone through the serenity prayer and the Lord’s Prayer with little to no enthusiasm. It appears to be a chore to most. Occasionally there’s some energy to it, but mostly its just part of the format as opposed to a cry out to God.

I pray crying out to God. I pray crying out with gratitude, praise or requesting direction and I have always done that alone. Not necessarily in private, but always alone.

During this night of worship, something in me called me to try something different. After the music was all done, I felt completely consumed by what I believe to be the Holy Spirit to pray with others. I requested some help with that from my friend. He gathered 4 others and the 6 of us formed a circle and prayed together.

This was completely foreign to me but felt completely right at the same time.

We prayed that my family be touched by the God in me. We prayed that I be changed into a man that is so full of God’s love that the light in me becomes infectious to them. That they experience what I am experiencing.

Now my wife walks with God. Her light is already bright and it is clear to anybody she comes in contact with through her kindness, compassion and selflessness. I have never witnessed a human (alcoholic or not) that is capable of being who she is to this family without being filled up with God.

But the prayer is still valid. I want everyone, including my family to feel what I have been feeling lately. It’s not that I am floating around just constantly pumping out love 24/7. I have my flaws, and I have a lot of them, but I have recently experienced God inside of me in a way that I have NEVER experienced in the past and man, I want them and you to feel that more than anything else in the world.

So we prayed.

It’s a prayer I have been praying consistently for months and a prayer I will continue to pray for the rest of my life if that’s how long it takes. And it may not ever happen, only God knows for sure. I believe this story has already been written, I’m just flipping the pages, but I also believe that God hears me crying out and that night he heard those other men crying out for the same thing.

Since that night, I have had an uptick in opportunities to be of service to others affected by alcoholism. I have been called to help and I know what that is from. God wants me to help His kids. 3 different men asked me for help with their alcoholism in the last 3 days and I was willing and able.

I believe these two topics are very connected. I think that was God’s way of telling me that He is handling what I need, and reminding me that I am handling what He needs.

 Matthew 18:19-20 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.“

I haven’t always been a deep thinker. I believe I have always over-thought things, or thought more about things than what is normal, but I would never consider myself a deep thinker. I don’t ever recall looking for symbolism in things or seeing a deeper reason for things happening.

There was a point in my life where I looked at having to buy food as an inconvenience. Even food for myself. I would always rather spend my money on coke and dope. Oh, I gotta buy food for other people because they’re counting on me? Complete madness.

I took for granted the blessings of my life. I overlooked things in such a heavy fashion that I missed so many beautiful moments. I looked right passed the most valuable parts of life because I was so consumed with myself.

I want to make something clear here while I’m thinking about it. When I say things like I just did, I’m not beating myself up. I often hear people who are resistant to the 12 step model of recovery that they were turned off by the perceived self deprecation that these approaches promote. That’s not what’s happening here. I’m telling you these bad parts about my previous life to highlight why I am so grateful for my current life. When I say I was a scumbag, it’s because I was a scumbag. It’s not because I was taught to beat myself up in order to feel better later.

In any case, let me get back to my previous thought.

So prior to getting sober, anything that wasn’t about me getting high was a complete chore. Not 100% of the time, but most of the time. Gotta give my kid a bath instead of shooting dope? Chore. But a lot of the times giving my son a bath was the highlight of my day. The only pure example of love I experienced. But basically I didn’t look at it in any other light than I was giving my son a bath.

Yesterday my wife was making broccoli and cheese soup. We discussed when going shopping for the ingredients that we would have bread bowls with them. (that was my brilliant idea, hold your applause) So after work, I stopped at the store to find some. I called the store ahead of time to ask if they had any because the other day when we went shopping they didn’t. So the lady in the bakery department on the phone said they didn’t currently have any so I figured I would just go buy some other bread to eat with the soup.

When I got in the store I walked passed the hot bar and out the side of my eye I saw exactly 4 individually wrapped bread bowls. I grabbed them up and went home.

On my way home, out of nowhere, I started thinking about that. Why? I’m not 100% sure, but what I am sure about is that I invite God into my heart everyday. I know He’s already there, but this is my process so if you don’t like it, kick rocks. So I’m driving and thinking about the fact that even though I was told “No, there aren’t any bread bowls” I still found exactly 4. By the time I pulled into my driveway and realized that the 4 bread bowls available were for the 4 members of my family (including me) it carried over to the thought that any day now my daughter will be born.

I thought “By the time she is old enough to eat soup in a bread bowl, Canaan will more than likely not be in this house.”

It stung. It hurt. It made me feel a little bit empty. In that moment, hundreds of memories flashed through my head. Years of difficult memories and years of beautiful memories flashed through my brain as if I was watching them in a movie. It was powerful.

It also filled me up with joy. My son is almost grown enough to be on his own and that is possible because of the relationship that my wife and I have with God. There’s no other reason for it. If Kelli wasn’t God reliant, there would be no Kelli. If I wasn’t God reliant, there would be no me. That’s not dramatic, that’s very real. Canaan would not be who he is today.

The acknowledgement of that spiritual truth had me stop what I was doing and pray. Ok, ok, I know to the average person that sounds like stupid or something, but lately I have been praying all day…every….single…day. This wasn’t out of the ordinary. I said thank you to my God and I asked him to use me to carry His Spirit into my house and to help me share that Spirit with my family.

So back to the bread bowls. I’m having a daughter, which is one of the most exciting things in my life. My son who escaped through a very rough upbringing is becoming a man…and a good man. I went inside and carved up 3 of the 4 bread bowls (because my wife opted out) and we all sat at the table and ate a simple meal and talked and laughed. We laughed a lot. It was the perfect medicine for a very difficult day up until that point.

So yeah, I may have over thought my purchase, but it changed my perspective right before walking into my house and if that didn’t happen, I may have walked in there with a completely different attitude.

The blessings in my life are not taken for granted. I certainly don’t speak about them all, but I definitely feel them. I take note of them. I don’t forget them. I love them and the Reason behind them. I look at them as gifts. I share them with you in the hope that maybe your perspective shifts just a little bit.

Oh, and one last thing I want to mention. Disclaimer, this is both unrelated to the content of this entry but also very related to the content of this entry.

Today I received an email from Canaan’s school that he made the honor roll this semester. This is the first time in his high school career that he has done that because of several reasons (which I won’t get into) but just know it was big. Very big. A direct result of the Love for God that my wife and I try to carry into our doors everyday.

I’m not a fan of Christianity, just as I’m not a fan of Judaism. I’m not a fan of Atheism and I’m not a fan of the Muslim religion. The thing is, I’m not a fan of religion.

I am a big fan and believer in God and the relationship I have with Him.

Growing up I was exposed to the idea of God in parochial school. That didn’t work for me. I went to church and heard all the stories about a scary God. A punishing and shaming God. A God that would send people like my mother and my sponsor to hell to burn for eternity.

I was swatted at by nuns at my school. I was talked to like I was a bad human. I was exposed to a people who seemingly represented what God wanted and a God who didn’t like people like me. I formed an opinion of God based on what I was presented with and like any sane person would do, I resisted everything about it.

Eventually, I became so distant from anything God related that I backed myself into a corner and the only thing within arms reach of my position that could provide me with any relief were human powers. Reckless sex, drugs, alcohol, violence, shopping, attention, anger, money and power. I was only good at getting some of those things, I’ll let you sort out which ones.

So that little corner of the world that I lived in got lonely. It didn’t have any room for the love from my parents. It didn’t allow me to feel safe. It hardened me and made me feel like the world owed me something. If there was a God, He owed me something too.

So if you know me personally, or have spent any time reading the entries of this blog, you kinda know what the rest of my life looked like up until I got sober. It was dark and destructive. It was everything you would think someone who was addicted to heroin at the ripe old age of 16 would experience. It was the excuse I needed to continue using and it was the reason that had me consider to not use. But at that time in my life, it wasn’t about God or a lack of God. It was about me and my son being a family or not.

One thing I want to acknowledge is the prejudgement I had towards Christians specifically. Now I have read the Bible…Old Testament and New Testament. Not that I retained what I read but I’ve read it and more than once. I somewhat disregarded what I read however and put more stock in the people that claimed that religion. I really put the most stock in the craziest of people that claimed that religion.

[think street evangelists with bullhorns, TV faith healing preachers, the guy on the city street corner dressed as Jesus on roller skates screaming at people about the devil is coming, the priests in the news for touching little boys….all the Christians/Catholics that just seemed completely mental is who I thought ALL Christians were]

Why would I ever want to consider Jesus as an option to provide me happiness?

The short answer is, I wouldn’t and I didn’t. I despised organized religion even though I explored basically all of them as an adult.

I completely missed the mark.

About 20-24 months ago I started talking daily to a man named Tim. He had the most comforting approach to conversation about his God who happened to be Jesus. Now by this time I had already shifted to a place of open-mindedness and acknowledged that I didn’t know everything, so it was really perfect timing. As corny and cliche as it sounds, I consider the timing and circumstances to be divinely influenced and orchestrated. We really started talking about some tough subject matter and essentially verbally studied Jesus teachings. He ended up being the catalyst to the church I attend. He invited me to a church called Lighthouse. I went. Hated it. End of story.

jk, you guys.

I went, didn’t like the Jesus talk, the music or the people really…but I couldn’t deny the truth in the message. The guy on the stage was named Sammy. He is an ex-heroin addict like me. He dressed like me. Has a shoe addiction like me. Has a similar sense of humor as me…and probably the most important thing I saw that day was…he was honest like me. He was open and made himself vulnerable it seemed in front of a big room. Just like me. I have had to speak at so many meetings in the recovery based fellowship I belong to and there have been hundreds of attendees. I have cried in front of them. Put my dirt out for them. I have shared my strength in God for them…all in an effort to help them. This guy Sammy did the same that day and I left there very melancholy about Lighthouse church as a result. I wouldn’t return for months.

I ended up meeting a guy named Joe one day at work. He was very outspoken about Jesus. Had a very convicted approach when discussing it. The truth is, I was pretty put off by it. But one thing I couldn’t deny was he believed in what he was talking about and I secretly admired him for it. I liked him because of it, as I had the same conviction about God…just not Jesus. He told me one day at work that I am basically carrying myself as a follower of Jesus, I just don’t know it…

…yet.

Between these three interactions with these guys, I started reading the Bible again and other Jesus based literature. I had done this many many times in the past, but not with an open mind or an open heart. I more investigated Jesus in the past to poke holes in Christianity, not to really find any truth in it. But this time was different.

I started praying different. I started going back to Lighthouse. I persistently “fought” my way into Sammy’s office by being somewhat of a pest. I did this because I had an unexplainable pull to Jesus and I felt like Sammy was exactly the person who I should speak with about it. I hit him with some non-negotiable issues and questions I had about the Bible and Jesus and he handled them with grace.

I started having very very very (I can’t type “very” enough here, I promise) bizarre reactions to my search for some truth in Jesus. I have had an out of body experience during an alter call at a Lighthouse location in Catonsville, MD. A church that actually reminded me of my youth. An out of body experience that caused me to completely lose any control I had over my tear ducts. I mean the tears were rolling down my face and I could do nothing about it, in public mind you.

I have felt a temperature change in my hands while listening to worship music….more times than I can count.

I have asked for Jesus to show up and prove to me that he is the Solution for me and I have more examples than I can describe.

I have damn near lost control of my ability to stand on my own two feet after feeling completely overwhelmed by God all over and through my body.

There have been so many instances where I’ve experienced little “nudges” and “winks” from God while either talking about Jesus or making efforts to grow closer to Him.

I ended up having a meeting with Sammy’s mom one day and I experienced an energy coming off her that was so strong that I felt an instant connection to her. Might not have been mutual, but for me there was a level of comfort with her that would take most 20 years of a daily relationship to create.

All of these things, and more bizarre things have happened while I was following up on a pull towards Jesus that I finally surrendered to. I can’t explain it. I know it sounds like something that is made up. Years ago, I wouldn’t dare share any of this because my ideas about Christians and Jesus were so polluted with my past exposure to the subject that I would be ashamed.

I am different now.

I know that this way of life will come with difficult challenges. New oppositions and tough conversations.

I believe firmly that I have a self awareness now and a relationship with God that provides me with every ounce of Protection I need. I feel spiritually stronger than I ever have and I know in my heart that it is because I am filled with the Spirit. That’s right, kids…the Holy Spirit. [hands you a vomit bag]

Yesterday a guy overdosed on heroin/fentanyl in the back seat of a car while his parents were driving. I heard the madness over the phone. I heard the screaming. I heard the panic. I heard all of it.

It hit very close to home.

I said nothing when the phone hung up. I clasped my hands together and bowed my head and begged Jesus to help him.

He was narcanned back to life. Yes, the medicine brought him back to life. But there is a back story to this that only God could’ve assisted with. I don’t think my prayer saved his life, but I know God heard me.

About 40 minutes later without any effort from me, his mother was crying to me. I was looking her right in her tear filled eyes and she started talking about her church. About her Jesus and her faith in Him.

She asked me about myself and I was able to share my testimony about my past, and my journey and a real life example of how big God can truly be.

When I left her she hugged me and thanked me in a way that I haven’t heard in sometime. She left the conversation believing that her son, who was blue from lack of oxygen a few hours earlier may have the same outcome as me. She breathed in some much needed hope at the very moment that I exhaled it. That conversation happened because of God.

Dear Canaan,

When I look at you and who you are, it makes me the proudest person on earth. You are resilient at a level you should never have to be. Nobody should ever have to go through what you have gone through. You are strong and an inspiration to me. When I see how much you yearn to be like me, it solidifies my path…and I appreciate that. I know I am doing the right thing now. But it is also a reminder of who I was.

I doubt you remember much from the first seven years of your life. Candidly, I hope that you don’t. I know that you remember the repercussions of my actions during those years. You probably still battle with some of them and that’s ok. You are allowed to struggle. You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to remember who I was.

While I don’t want you to have to remember the bad parts of your life prior to me getting sober, I hope you remember what I was like. Maybe not the specifics, but that I was different then. I hope that you never forget witnessing what God can and has done.

More than anything I want you to see what God can do. Who God is and how big He is. I want you to see that you have the choice to be happy or not. You have the choice to be free or not. You have the choice to have everything you ever need…or not.

I think without God you can achieve success, you can acquire all the worldly things that the world tells you you need to be happy, to be “adult.” I think without God you can go to college, get a good job, find a wife, have a family and make a ton of money. I think you can buy a nice house and drive a nice car. I think all of these things are available to you without God.

But I promise you that with Him, you will have freedom. You will be happy, truly happy without worldly things. And you will still get to enjoy worldly things when you are ready for them.

Canaan, I love you more than you will ever understand. I tell people all the time that you are the reason I got sober. You are the reason I was open to reliance on God. You are the reason I have spent so many hours sitting down with strangers trying to help them. You are the reason I have driven miles out of my way to go pick people up. You are why I crossed multiple state lines to speak at meetings. You are the motivation to continue when I want to give up. And son, I have wanted to give up. You see, the thing about cultivating and maintaining a relationship with God is that He doesn’t give up. He won’t let me give up. He always shows up when I need him. He is the model Father and He is who I try to be like when parenting you. I know I fall short. I know I’m not the best father, but I try and I will continue to try my best.

I don’t know if you will ever read this, but you are 18 now and I planned for the last ten years to share the link to these blogs when you became of age. I want you to see me at my worst and see me recovered. I never want you to go through the pain I went through. It’s not for you. You are pure. You are kind. Like I was as a child. Like I try to be now.

I want you to know how grateful I am for you. You bring me so much joy. It has happened countless times that I have hung up the phone after talking to you and I can’t stop myself from tearing up. I have had to leave the room that you’re in so you don’t see me cry. The growth you have shown over the past 11 years is breathtaking. I watched you go through really rough patches. Your parents breaking up. Your epilepsy. Our financial struggles. Moving multiple times. Switching schools. Leaving friends behind. Finding your voice. Missing your brother. Going through therapy. I have watched you battle and I have watched you win. You are strength. You just don’t see it yet. You should also know that Kelli has gone to bat for you more than you realize. I thought for certain that I would never find a woman that could love you like you were her own, but I was wrong. If you ever doubt that God is real, look at the love that He has provided us in her and the family that we are growing now.

Son, if you are reading this, know that you are the type of person that this world needs more of. Know that with God you will be unstoppable. Your impact will be huge and your mark in this world will be unforgettable.

Love,

Your Father

The idea of resurrection was always something I did not believe in.

It’s science fiction at best….an idea that foolish, weak-minded people latch onto in an effort to make a potentially made up story in the first place have a happy ending.

I used to walk the length of Lexington Market in Baltimore City to purchase Methadone and/or Suboxone when I didn’t want to shoot heroin anymore. The walk itself was something I encourage everyone to do that feels their life is difficult or they need a shot of gratitude for what they have.

When I used to walk it, I was in the same position as most of the people there struggling. My body was alive, meaning my heart was pumping blood and my lungs were breathing air, but my spirit was very much dead. Outside of my son, I had nothing to live for anyway. I only made that walk looking for methadone because I wanted to stay alive for Canaan. But I was dead. My eyes blatantly advertised it.

You can see life or lack of life in the eyes.

“The eyes are the window to your soul.” -William Shakespeare

My eyes were cloudy, my eyes were hazed over. No one could see in and I couldn’t properly see out. My soul was blocked off from the world and the world was blocked off from seeing my soul.

People move around like that all the time. Particularly in places like Lexington Market. One soulless, dead spirited human brushes up against other soulless, dead spirited humans all day long there and there’s no connection. I can say that as someone who was once one of them. I in no way am being demeaning when I say those words. Sometimes I look at things like this to remind myself of who I was and who I can be again. But it’s not just in shady, drug ridden places that you see this. It happens everywhere. You ever see someone who from the outside looks like they have it made? Good job, beautiful family, more money than anyone needs, expensive cars, host of friends, etc? You ever see them surrounded by people yet they seem completely alone? Just zoned out? Their eyes seem to be locked in to nothing at all. I would propose that they are lacking a spirited filled soul as well.

I can tell you that figuratively speaking I have personally experienced resurrection in the sense that I was a walking dead man and now I am more alive than I have ever felt.

But…

I can also say that I have been on the other side of my heart beating and my lungs breathing air. I have been laying on the side of the street, rain pouring down on me, not breathing for minutes. Heart not beating. No pulse. No breath…

…yet I am here now typing this testimony. Resurrection is real. It happens all the time. Not just from physical death to life, but from a spiritless, soulless existence to a life full of love.

For me, I believe that the love, belief and relationship I have with my God provides me with not only a beautiful life on this earth, but life eternal.

I just hope I stop aging when all that happens.