One thing that was always lacking in my life prior to walking on a God focused path was my ability to put my family first before myself.
I want you to go back and re-read that before casting judgement.
I am not saying I didn’t have the desire, which I had so much of, I said I lacked the ability. I wholeheartedly believe that too. I’m not making any excuses for being absent from my family for all that time. I know why I did that. It was because I was being an asshole. But why? Did I want to be an asshole? Absolutely not. I wanted to be there. I even had the wherewithal to connect happiness with being connected to people. I just couldn’t align my desire with my ability.
So I would imagine that if anybody walks that way for a substantial amount of time they lose people. People (family included) start to distance themselves from assholes. I know I do and I know I will continue to. In any case, what happened to me was that I was convinced after years of only being concerned with myself that no one really wanted to be around me or cared what I had to say or enjoyed anything about me. The only talking about me was that of disdain and ridicule. I convinced myself that not only did my family not want anything to do with me, but that even if they did I was of no use to them.
That’s what untreated alcoholism can do. It can convince you, a person of great talent and intelligence, with countless examples of people loving you, pulling for you, praying for you, crying for you, searching for you and yearning for you…
…that you are worthless.
Untreated alcoholism sounds like something else, doesn’t it?
On my path I have changed how I view things slightly. I say slightly because I believe that the principles that afforded me a life of freedom are the same commandments that were divinely provided to all of us.
After years of self torment, self imprisonment, self destruction and a self driven path to loneliness I found myself riding solo and parked right in front of God.
Unbeknownst to me I was shown how to walk a path towards God and shown how to be of service to others. There were commandments/principles surrounding me and I didn’t even know it. I was becoming less lonely, less depressed and more interested in others. I actually grew to a place of feeling useful, sometimes even sought after by others for my experience. It’s a really good feeling coming from where I was before getting sober to that.
There was one thing missing though.
I felt compelled to be back in my family’s lives at whatever capacity they would accept me and I wanted to do that for 2 reasons.
- I was newly convinced that they did love me and want me around so I wanted to give that to them. In some ways, that’s really all I have to give at times. Unfortunately, I don’t have as much of that as I’d like to give.
- I believed that by me being recovered, God wanted me to be there and God had a plan for my presence. I also believe that my example may be the catalyst for my family to maybe look at the world a little differently. Maybe my journey towards God reliance and service to others would offer a splinter of hope in a dark time to someone in my family when they really need it. Maybe that is right now while you are reading this. Maybe not.
So, how do I desperately try to connect this now? It may be a stretch, but here it goes.
These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 NIV
Here’s the connection part:
So I started walking as close to God as possible, or another way to put that is, I decided to stop being an asshole and started to be as Christ-like as possible. [disclaimer: didn’t know that at the time, I was just following directions] Then, I started naturally wanting to be with my family. To share God orchestrated victories with them. To show up. To try my best to be grateful and giving. I say “try my best” because I occasionally suck at this, just ask my parents or my wife. But I know that Jesus is a perfect model for me. The more I read His word, the more connected I feel. The more I pray, the closer to my Creator I become. The closer I am, the better of a brother I can be to you. The more useful to my family I am.
Now, I only have to consistently persevere and my family will always have the best version of me. If I try to align myself with what I believe to be God’s will, I am permanently protected and my family will be there to witness what God has promised.