Month: September 2020

A very unfortunate part of my alcoholism has been that I was not able to see clearly that worldly things will not provide me happiness.

In fact, I was taught from a young age the exact opposite of that. As I’m sure you were to some extent. My thought is, that females have been exposed to this idea even worse than males. They are more often than not taught that they need to live out a fairy tale. Meet Prince Charming, have children, live in a big house wearing expensive clothes, paint up their faces and sip wine with the neighborhood wives and drive their luxury SUV to the soccer games and give out oranges to the kids.

For me, I was told this:

“Do good in school so you can go to college and get a good job. Save your money so that you can buy a nice house and retire early.” This was told to me with the intent of cultivating happiness and comfort.

Now I’m not saying that wasn’t good advice, frankly I wish I would’ve been able to act on it when it was given, but I am saying that equating that advice to a source of happiness isn’t applicable to me. I achieved happiness with nothing of this world.

My spiritual deficiency doesn’t get fixed from worldly things.

I can not fix my spiritual malady with a new car. I can’t fill up my spirit with a woman, a bigger bank account, years of acquired sobriety, a marriage, kids, a nice house, new sneakers, bigger muscles, attention from others, drugs, alcohol, reckless sex, tattoos, a job promotion, etc and ad infinitum.

And now for some words I was completely convinced I would never say:

The only thing that has proven to provide me happiness with any longevity has been my relationship with God.

1 John 2:15-17
15 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. 16 For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. 17 The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

That has proven to be truthful for me up to this point and I believe with every part of my being that it will remain truthful forever. I have changed my perspective on many things, I have been saved from my old self and my old ways of thinking (for the most part) and provided that I continue to try to be the type of man that I feel God wants me to be, I am protected from returning to my old ways of looking at the world. As long as I try to be my brother’s keeper and remain reliant on the Lord, I am headed in the right direction and the old me remains dead. That doesn’t mean that I am without fault, just ask my wife or kids. But it does mean that I have the ability now to be permanently free, live life to the full and be forever happy, but not because of my good works. My God has already paid all of my debt. But my only responsibility in life now is to remain reliant on Him and to help any of my lost siblings find their way to Him as well.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

I appreciate resistence to biblical teachings, as for the large majority of my life, I was too. But what I want to encourage is, for the people that might be reading this that are not experiencing life the way they want to be, is try to lower your guard. The only things that could come of it are:

1. You will either prove yourself right, that Jesus was not who He said He was or…
2. You will be proven wrong and find happiness and freedom that lasts forever.

If I claim to be perfect with my actions, I can promise it is not my intention. If I claim with my words that I am better than you, again, not my intention. I know how absolutely imperfect I am. I know how much improvement I need to make. I also know that I am reliant on my God to change in me the defects of character that do not align with who He wants me to be.

I am almost 12 years sober. I am a few months away. That does not mean that I am void of fear. That fear is what drives me to be imperfect. When I lash out, I am fearful. When I am not giving, selfish, dismissive, unsympathetic, rude or resentful…I am scared.

When my life gets boiled down, what’s left in the pot of fear is a disconnect from God. Alcoholism is a funny thing like that. I can be almost 12 years removed from a drink or a needle of heroin but I am still susceptible to see the world in the same way I did 12 years ago if I do not stay close to God.

This is one of a million examples I have experienced which tells me that my alcoholism or drug addiction had little to do with the drink or drugs and almost everything to do with my relationship with God.

I have recently been doing some silent self reflection on this. I have behaved in such a way that I am not proud of, specifically with how I am reacting to how others act. I have been laser focused on performing well at work so that I can provide a better life for my family. I have knowingly sacrificed many things in order to not fail professionally. I will continue to do that but I have noticed in my personal life that I have been more judgmental and short. I have been impatient and dismissive. I can see these things in hindsight and I pray to have them changed.

These defects are not who God wants me to be and in turn, not who I want to be.

Today I am aware of this and have prayed to have these things changed. I know that my prayers are less likely to change the world around me and the people in it and more likely to change my perspective and approach to the world, so it is my job to act on that. I am actually grateful for this awareness, and I know that it is within my reach to improve…which is hopeful.

What happens when I choose to turn away from God is, I end up alone. I end up drunk and high, sick and beaten…and very very much alone.

Over the passed 3 weeks, I have noticed something at home. I don’t recall pointing it out to my family once, but I do recall being mindful of it and seeing the connection between it and God several times.

I have noticed that my family, all of my family has been gathering in the same room. It doesn’t matter the room, we just all end up in it. This doesn’t happen all the time, but it has happened enough for me to notice.

The day goes by as normal. We argue, we may fight but we also laugh, joke, eat and relax together. We are a normal family I suppose. But then all the sudden, after we fight or disagree… I find all of us sitting on the floor together in my bedroom. Or we are all in the spare room playing and laughing. One time, I sat there and it was as if life had the pause button pressed and I could see how absolutely beautiful my life is as we all were collected in the bathroom together as my daughter was taking a bath.

I don’t know why I didn’t point this out, but I can voice now, that for me, it was very powerful.

I am hopeful that I can constantly change and improve to be more like God wants me to be so I never lose that.