Month: January 2021

My history is polluted with selfishness. I have walked through the majority of life not being happy with what I had and there was really only one exception to that, my son Canaan. I have always cherished who he is. As I have said many times, he was the only reason I didn’t end my life. Prior to getting sober, I was never happy with any woman I was with, any job that I had, any car that I drove, any amount of money in my bank account, nothing. I am ashamed to admit this, but at times I was not even happy with the family that I had. I always looked at the negative side of things rather than the positive.

Without happiness, I was never grateful. I always wanted more or something different. I attribute this to a lack of connection with God and a general disconnection to others.

Without gratitude, without happiness, I found myself on a constant hunt for something but could never find it. That’s why I leaned on drugs and alcohol. That’s why I used women. That’s why I was abnormally violent. That’s why I foolishly spent money on things I didn’t need (this is, um… still a teeny tiny problem. Take note of shoe collection). I was trying to solve a problem with my own resources and my own solutions.

I spent basically my entire life this way. 16 of 31 years of that in active addiction. That’s a chunk of time. I would minimize it too. I would say it wasn’t as bad as you thought. That I had it under control. I would even say this on the same day that I woke up in a strange place, with complete strangers, with no money and no idea where my car was. My life was absolute madness and I disguised it in my mind so that I didn’t have to change it.

I would tell you how strong I was, how tough I was, how nothing bothered me and then curl up in a ball in my bed and cry like an abused child. I experienced a level of loneliness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and at the same time brag to you about how popular I was. I would steal food or live off of double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s and pretend that I was richer than Drake. [ cue “Started From the Bottom” ] I claimed to be so happy but nothing made me happy and I was grateful for nothing.

Imagine living this way your whole life. Imagine wanting to change so bad but being so trapped in your own internal conflict that you could never do anything about it. Imagine hurting your loved ones over and over and over again, living in a constant state of guilt and remorse.

This is what and who I was. Failure after failure. Broken promise after broken promise. Let down after let down.

A few weeks ago I was at home, upstairs and in a room alone. I sat there silent for a few minutes and prayed. I was reflecting on my relationship with God and was going through the timeline of my sobriety and also my growing relationship with Jesus. I thought about being brought to tears during worship at church. I thought about how when it comes down to it, everything that brings me happiness today is rooted in my relationship with God.

After a few minutes I started cleaning the room I was in. I was picking up toys, I was moving stuff around, you know things like that. Then I started vacuuming.

I was looking down at the floor and my eyes started watering. I realized that this “chore” I was doing actually brought me happiness. That I was actually grateful for it.

Vacuuming.

Listen, I know it sounds weird. Sounds weird to me as well and I’m actually hoping my wife doesn’t read this right now so I’m not tasked with being the all time vacuumer or something.

But the point is, I was grateful for the floor I was standing on. The house that I was living in. The amazing family that I have living in it with me. The neighborhood that my house is in. The town that my neighborhood is in. The truck that I drive to get there. The job that I get to work at. The people that I work with. The list just kept going. It was like in a movie when someone’s life flashes before their eyes but each scene was something else that I was grateful for. And it made me cry the most joyful tears that I’ve experienced in awhile.

This all started by laying all of my failures, all of my defects, all of my hurt and everything that caused me and others around me pain, at the foot of my God. In return I have been given eternal life and the ability to love and give love. It has given me a passion for life. It has, for the most part, made me grateful the majority of the time and I strive to get more of that.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Lessons about life are rarely free. Lessons about love are also rarely free. In fact, I am unaware of any lessons that are free, period. Every lesson that I have learned has had a price tag of some sort. Either I have paid that price personally or someone who came before me paid it.

Prior to getting sober, I saw no value in learning lessons. I knew pain came with consequences and I only knew of one solution. I only chased things of this world for that solution, never considered God was the answer. I never considered service to others was a solution.. I exclusively looked out for myself in order to feel better. Never once did I attempt any sort of altruistic approach to achieve happiness. I very much dislike admitting this, but even when I did nice things for others, it was to either make myself look good or to feel better about myself in some way.

My son needs a present? I got it and felt like a real dad. I focused on what I provided rather than what I stripped from him. You know how you hear that saying about kids don’t need things, they need time and love? That is true. That is real. I am ashamed of all the time I neglected to give my son. I was never a good father to him prior to living how I do now, which means in turn…I never truly showed him love. Of course I loved him, but I also loved heroin. I just couldn’t give certain things up. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was wrapped up in myself and things of this world. I was more concerned with what I could take rather than what I could give.

I learned about giving through helping others. I learned the lesson about what happens to my spirit when I try to serve others. It was a lesson that came with a very expensive price tag and almost cost me my entire relationship with Canaan.

Almost (thank God.)

I stopped talking about what I did for him and started grinding in order to help him. I grew closer to God through being of service to my son and my brothers and sisters.

I’m not sure if this is more common with alcoholics than it is you weirdos that can just have one glass of wine with dinner, but I could never really learn lessons by what others did before me. I always had to learn the hard way. That resulted in a lot of pain. Abandoning my son, disappointing my family, broken relationships, losing jobs, going to jail, ending up in psych wards and rehabs, sleeping in my car, sleeping in vacant Baltimore row homes, walking the streets of Baltimore in the winter, late at night, lost and eventually intentionally placing myself in situations where I could easily be killed because I was too scared to off my own self.

All these lessons I had to learn the hard way when a manual on how to live was already written for me. A clear cut, divinely designed set of instructions right at my disposal that I completely discredited having any value or practical application to my life.

First it was the Big Book, now it is The Bible.

I learned the hard way that being of service to my brothers and sisters in an effort to grow closer to God and to help others grow closer to God was all I ever needed to be happy. I needed to repent and to accept God in my heart, It was that simple and I turned my back to it. And it wasn’t ever enough to talk about it. Prayer was never enough either. Even saying I believed in God and having faith in the Lord being a solution was not enough. I actually had to act on it and I had to do so consistently.

In the book of James it says this…¹⁴ What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

I personally embrace the lessons I learned today, even though I did so the hard way because so far there has been no shortage of others just like me that I can share my experience with in an effort to help them find God.

I am very blessed for the life I have lived. Both of them.

Broken promises…telling my loved ones “I am ashamed of what I did and who I’ve become and I will never do that again” only to repeat that same behavior the following week, or sometimes the following day.

Shirking my responsibilities…not paying bills, not cleaning up, not following through ever and blaming you for it the whole time.

Disappointing my son…telling him I will be there for him and leaving. Parenting him with fear rather than love. Not providing for him in a way he deserves. Putting my selfish wants and desires before his wellbeing.

Failing in my professional life…being intelligent and creative enough to be very successful, but lacking drive. Lacking willingness to learn. Blaming my employers for my own failures.

Harming people….I could provide an endless list here. If I did, it would include harm financially, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

Everything I just wrote is who I was from ages 16-30. Fourteen years of my life I was a monster. A madman, a danger to anyone who was around me at that time. I was lost and broken. I was most certainly hopeless and could never string enough sober breaths together to find even a splinter of hope. I often felt like I had nothing to lose one moment and everything to lose the next but never felt strong enough to change. I eventually convinced myself that I was going to die a drunk junkie.

It wasn’t always like that. Drinking with coworkers after a long work week didn’t feel wrong. Even sneaking to the bathroom with someone to do some coke didn’t feel wrong, it was exciting and fun…and at the beginning it was sporadic. Spending money on my alcohol consumption or drug use only felt wrong for a second while doing it, just long enough for me to combat that thought with a plan of how I would get more money.

I think I was trapped in active alcoholism for so long partially because I was too crafty for my own good. I always found a way to get out of a jam. When I didn’t find a way, I convinced myself it wasn’t all that bad.

When you boil everything down, I could’ve changed much sooner. I float between thinking I was incapable and thinking I was just selfish. I’m still not sure. What I can say today, is that staying sober for the last 12 years has been extremely easy. Ever since I started relying on God and helping people, I have not once struggled with alcoholism. Not even for a minute.

I have had very important people in my life die. I sponsored several people who died from active addiction, one was one of my best friends. I have faced extreme financial hardship, I managed 2 young children on my own, 1 who was epileptic and couldn’t stop having seizures and 1 who couldn’t sleep through the night…both of whom cried themselves to sleep more times than I can count, I have navigated a custody battle, I have had some very tight moments with my child, I have gone through a bunch of things that I do not feel appropriate to share here…but trust me, you would think I would’ve drank my way through them. But no, it was never even a thought.

My approach to sobriety has been simple, I have constantly sought out God and have tried my best to help as many people do the same as I could along the way. I have taken simple directions and I have been consistent in doing so. I did not get nor stay sober from “making meetings” or studying the big book. I have not stayed sober by being reliant on a 12 step fellowship. I did not stay sober from Suboxone. I have not sourced happiness from anything or anyone on this earth. My entire heart was empty and was filled with God alone and that is how I have stayed sober…easily.

I am a member of a 12 step fellowship, but it is not my God. I encourage people struggling to engage in one, but to understand that God provided me my solution and that the 12 steps helped me find God. That is worth pointing out.

So now, 12 years (which really doesn’t mean much to me other than it reminds me of how big God is) later I am a different person. Still imperfect in every way, still missing the mark all the time, but also still growing. I am a husband, a father of 3, a son, a brother, a mentor, an employee, a friend and a student. I am proud of who I have become and I am grateful for the God that has changed me.

I, potentially like you, was completely broken and now I am free. You, just like me can walk right out of alcoholism or addiction and come out on the other side…free. Finally free.