I’m not exactly sure what my motives were initially when I started writing this blog like 12 years ago. I know that there was a time in my early recovery when my sponsor recommended it. I think the catalyst, my initial motive was to share my story in a very real way. A way that maybe one person could benefit from. That said, when I first started writing it, I had never really written anything that I wasn’t forced to, and if I wrote for myself, I never finished anything. I also wasn’t sure I would actually share it with anyone. The other reasons I think I started writing it was because I had hoped one day, when the time was right, when he was at an appropriate age, I would share it with Canaan. I also started writing it to help me heal.
I have yet to share this website with Canaan, but for the first time since starting it 12 years ago, Tonight… I thought it may be a good idea.
As many people know, I often tell people that Canaan was the reason I got sober…that he saved my life. In turn, he was the only reason I was willing to change my life. He was the only shred of hope I had in my heart after years and years of drug abuse and alcoholism. The only reason I had to breathe another breath was for him. I had no other reason to live anymore. I had almost a decade of failed attempts at sobriety. I had seemingly ruined every relationship that meant anything to me. I had sacrificed my integrity. I had hurt people. I had given up in every area across the board. I walked away from my son more times than I care to admit. I stole from him, I lied to him, I abused him.
I was homeless, wanted by the law and dead ass broke. My health wasn’t great, I wasn’t eating, I was constantly sleeping in 3 days worth of clothing just to stay warm. I put myself in the absolute most dangerous parts of Baltimore city on a daily basis and around the most dangerous people. I shot heroin and cocaine in my veins all day. I drank liquor and beer instead of feeding myself.
I was the worst kind of man you could be short of being a rapist or pedophile.
That was me and that was who I saw in the mirror everyday.
And Canaan was there, waiting for the father he deserved that I just couldn’t be no matter how hard I tried because I was too trapped in the lifestyle I was living.
There was no God for me.
There was no love for me.
There was no peace, no comfort, no meaningful relationships…there was nothing.
And then I had a moment when I made a decision to change that by submitting completely. It’s crazy that the only thing I needed to do after all those years in order to be happy was to quit fighting.
I gave the entirety of myself to God and a 12 step fellowship. I gave my thoughts and my actions to it. I gave my wants, desires, money, time, liberties, everything to God and that fellowship.
There was no part of me left that thought I had the answers to happiness any longer.
And wouldn’t you know? It worked. I became happy quite quickly. I became free in every way possible. The only thing left that I had to do as far as I was concerned, was to show up for Canaan and try to be his dad.
After 9 months of being away from him in Florida, I returned to Maryland and did the best job I could for him. I promised him I would never abandon him again and that I would always be there for him. After struggling financially, struggling to manage time, jobs, after a final breakup with his birth mother, after a custody battle, after not getting help from her, after doing it all on my own for a period time with 2 children…I can tell you that I kept my word. This isn’t so you can say “good job” either. Being present for your children is something you should do, no matter what. I didn’t do anything special. I’m writing this because that’s how my story was played out. And it’s a beautiful story and a testimony of what God can do.
That’s it.
So I was thinking that this might be the last time I write an entry in this blog. It may not be, but I think I might just be good here. I might just send this link to Canaan and never write in it again.
Today I packed up my truck with Canaan’s belongings and he and I moved him into his new apartment in Philly.
Today I packed up my truck with Canaan’s belongings and he and I moved him into his new apartment in Philly.
I had to say that again because I am still having a hard time believing it. It’s, well…difficult. We drove up, we unpacked the truck, I fed him and then I went out and bought all the things a 20 year would forget about when moving into their own place. Lamps, bathroom trashcan, paper towel holder, power strips, kitchen towels, things like that. I was able to be there for him in that way. I prepped myself for this very moment for the last 9 months.
The exact amount of time I spent in Florida in 2009 when I first got sober…for him.
Tonight my son hugged me goodbye with tears in his eyes. He hugged me tightly and I hugged him. I cradled the back of his head like I did the first time I ever held him.
He said he loved me and thanked me.
It’s my belief that he wasn’t thanking me for moving him up to Philly.
He was thanking me for being the father he deserved. He was thanking me for sacrificing myself for his betterment. He was thanking me for showing him how powerful love can be.
Thank you for reading this and I truly hope it helped at least one person.