From Hopeless To Fatherhood

My history is polluted with selfishness. I have walked through the majority of life not being happy with what I had and there was really only one exception to that, my son Canaan. I have always cherished who he is. As I have said many times, he was the only reason I didn’t end my life. Prior to getting sober, I was never happy with any woman I was with, any job that I had, any car that I drove, any amount of money in my bank account, nothing. I am ashamed to admit this, but at times I was not even happy with the family that I had. I always looked at the negative side of things rather than the positive.

Without happiness, I was never grateful. I always wanted more or something different. I attribute this to a lack of connection with God and a general disconnection to others.

Without gratitude, without happiness, I found myself on a constant hunt for something but could never find it. That’s why I leaned on drugs and alcohol. That’s why I used women. That’s why I was abnormally violent. That’s why I foolishly spent money on things I didn’t need (this is, um… still a teeny tiny problem. Take note of shoe collection). I was trying to solve a problem with my own resources and my own solutions.

I spent basically my entire life this way. 16 of 31 years of that in active addiction. That’s a chunk of time. I would minimize it too. I would say it wasn’t as bad as you thought. That I had it under control. I would even say this on the same day that I woke up in a strange place, with complete strangers, with no money and no idea where my car was. My life was absolute madness and I disguised it in my mind so that I didn’t have to change it.

I would tell you how strong I was, how tough I was, how nothing bothered me and then curl up in a ball in my bed and cry like an abused child. I experienced a level of loneliness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and at the same time brag to you about how popular I was. I would steal food or live off of double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s and pretend that I was richer than Drake. [ cue “Started From the Bottom” ] I claimed to be so happy but nothing made me happy and I was grateful for nothing.

Imagine living this way your whole life. Imagine wanting to change so bad but being so trapped in your own internal conflict that you could never do anything about it. Imagine hurting your loved ones over and over and over again, living in a constant state of guilt and remorse.

This is what and who I was. Failure after failure. Broken promise after broken promise. Let down after let down.

A few weeks ago I was at home, upstairs and in a room alone. I sat there silent for a few minutes and prayed. I was reflecting on my relationship with God and was going through the timeline of my sobriety and also my growing relationship with Jesus. I thought about being brought to tears during worship at church. I thought about how when it comes down to it, everything that brings me happiness today is rooted in my relationship with God.

After a few minutes I started cleaning the room I was in. I was picking up toys, I was moving stuff around, you know things like that. Then I started vacuuming.

I was looking down at the floor and my eyes started watering. I realized that this “chore” I was doing actually brought me happiness. That I was actually grateful for it.

Vacuuming.

Listen, I know it sounds weird. Sounds weird to me as well and I’m actually hoping my wife doesn’t read this right now so I’m not tasked with being the all time vacuumer or something.

But the point is, I was grateful for the floor I was standing on. The house that I was living in. The amazing family that I have living in it with me. The neighborhood that my house is in. The town that my neighborhood is in. The truck that I drive to get there. The job that I get to work at. The people that I work with. The list just kept going. It was like in a movie when someone’s life flashes before their eyes but each scene was something else that I was grateful for. And it made me cry the most joyful tears that I’ve experienced in awhile.

This all started by laying all of my failures, all of my defects, all of my hurt and everything that caused me and others around me pain, at the foot of my God. In return I have been given eternal life and the ability to love and give love. It has given me a passion for life. It has, for the most part, made me grateful the majority of the time and I strive to get more of that.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Lessons about life are rarely free. Lessons about love are also rarely free. In fact, I am unaware of any lessons that are free, period. Every lesson that I have learned has had a price tag of some sort. Either I have paid that price personally or someone who came before me paid it.

Prior to getting sober, I saw no value in learning lessons. I knew pain came with consequences and I only knew of one solution. I only chased things of this world for that solution, never considered God was the answer. I never considered service to others was a solution.. I exclusively looked out for myself in order to feel better. Never once did I attempt any sort of altruistic approach to achieve happiness. I very much dislike admitting this, but even when I did nice things for others, it was to either make myself look good or to feel better about myself in some way.

My son needs a present? I got it and felt like a real dad. I focused on what I provided rather than what I stripped from him. You know how you hear that saying about kids don’t need things, they need time and love? That is true. That is real. I am ashamed of all the time I neglected to give my son. I was never a good father to him prior to living how I do now, which means in turn…I never truly showed him love. Of course I loved him, but I also loved heroin. I just couldn’t give certain things up. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was wrapped up in myself and things of this world. I was more concerned with what I could take rather than what I could give.

I learned about giving through helping others. I learned the lesson about what happens to my spirit when I try to serve others. It was a lesson that came with a very expensive price tag and almost cost me my entire relationship with Canaan.

Almost (thank God.)

I stopped talking about what I did for him and started grinding in order to help him. I grew closer to God through being of service to my son and my brothers and sisters.

I’m not sure if this is more common with alcoholics than it is you weirdos that can just have one glass of wine with dinner, but I could never really learn lessons by what others did before me. I always had to learn the hard way. That resulted in a lot of pain. Abandoning my son, disappointing my family, broken relationships, losing jobs, going to jail, ending up in psych wards and rehabs, sleeping in my car, sleeping in vacant Baltimore row homes, walking the streets of Baltimore in the winter, late at night, lost and eventually intentionally placing myself in situations where I could easily be killed because I was too scared to off my own self.

All these lessons I had to learn the hard way when a manual on how to live was already written for me. A clear cut, divinely designed set of instructions right at my disposal that I completely discredited having any value or practical application to my life.

First it was the Big Book, now it is The Bible.

I learned the hard way that being of service to my brothers and sisters in an effort to grow closer to God and to help others grow closer to God was all I ever needed to be happy. I needed to repent and to accept God in my heart, It was that simple and I turned my back to it. And it wasn’t ever enough to talk about it. Prayer was never enough either. Even saying I believed in God and having faith in the Lord being a solution was not enough. I actually had to act on it and I had to do so consistently.

In the book of James it says this…¹⁴ What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

I personally embrace the lessons I learned today, even though I did so the hard way because so far there has been no shortage of others just like me that I can share my experience with in an effort to help them find God.

I am very blessed for the life I have lived. Both of them.

Broken promises…telling my loved ones “I am ashamed of what I did and who I’ve become and I will never do that again” only to repeat that same behavior the following week, or sometimes the following day.

Shirking my responsibilities…not paying bills, not cleaning up, not following through ever and blaming you for it the whole time.

Disappointing my son…telling him I will be there for him and leaving. Parenting him with fear rather than love. Not providing for him in a way he deserves. Putting my selfish wants and desires before his wellbeing.

Failing in my professional life…being intelligent and creative enough to be very successful, but lacking drive. Lacking willingness to learn. Blaming my employers for my own failures.

Harming people….I could provide an endless list here. If I did, it would include harm financially, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

Everything I just wrote is who I was from ages 16-30. Fourteen years of my life I was a monster. A madman, a danger to anyone who was around me at that time. I was lost and broken. I was most certainly hopeless and could never string enough sober breaths together to find even a splinter of hope. I often felt like I had nothing to lose one moment and everything to lose the next but never felt strong enough to change. I eventually convinced myself that I was going to die a drunk junkie.

It wasn’t always like that. Drinking with coworkers after a long work week didn’t feel wrong. Even sneaking to the bathroom with someone to do some coke didn’t feel wrong, it was exciting and fun…and at the beginning it was sporadic. Spending money on my alcohol consumption or drug use only felt wrong for a second while doing it, just long enough for me to combat that thought with a plan of how I would get more money.

I think I was trapped in active alcoholism for so long partially because I was too crafty for my own good. I always found a way to get out of a jam. When I didn’t find a way, I convinced myself it wasn’t all that bad.

When you boil everything down, I could’ve changed much sooner. I float between thinking I was incapable and thinking I was just selfish. I’m still not sure. What I can say today, is that staying sober for the last 12 years has been extremely easy. Ever since I started relying on God and helping people, I have not once struggled with alcoholism. Not even for a minute.

I have had very important people in my life die. I sponsored several people who died from active addiction, one was one of my best friends. I have faced extreme financial hardship, I managed 2 young children on my own, 1 who was epileptic and couldn’t stop having seizures and 1 who couldn’t sleep through the night…both of whom cried themselves to sleep more times than I can count, I have navigated a custody battle, I have had some very tight moments with my child, I have gone through a bunch of things that I do not feel appropriate to share here…but trust me, you would think I would’ve drank my way through them. But no, it was never even a thought.

My approach to sobriety has been simple, I have constantly sought out God and have tried my best to help as many people do the same as I could along the way. I have taken simple directions and I have been consistent in doing so. I did not get nor stay sober from “making meetings” or studying the big book. I have not stayed sober by being reliant on a 12 step fellowship. I did not stay sober from Suboxone. I have not sourced happiness from anything or anyone on this earth. My entire heart was empty and was filled with God alone and that is how I have stayed sober…easily.

I am a member of a 12 step fellowship, but it is not my God. I encourage people struggling to engage in one, but to understand that God provided me my solution and that the 12 steps helped me find God. That is worth pointing out.

So now, 12 years (which really doesn’t mean much to me other than it reminds me of how big God is) later I am a different person. Still imperfect in every way, still missing the mark all the time, but also still growing. I am a husband, a father of 3, a son, a brother, a mentor, an employee, a friend and a student. I am proud of who I have become and I am grateful for the God that has changed me.

I, potentially like you, was completely broken and now I am free. You, just like me can walk right out of alcoholism or addiction and come out on the other side…free. Finally free.

My journey towards God has both seemed like something I have been on my whole life and also something that feels very fresh and new. I believe that God knows it has to stay fresh and new so that I remain intrigued, impressed and motivated to continue on it.

One way that I feel God orchestrates this to happen is with reminders that He is with me. For whatever reason, I believe that He does this more when I am really trying hard to pursue Him, when I am enduring something challenging or when I think things are far worse than they actually are.

Last night I chose to check in on my father. I did so while cooking cauliflower and lamb (let’s be real, Kelli cooked the lamb, I was just reheating it, but I digress) for Luna via a facebook video chat. I wanted to see him. It was around 9pm.

We talked about all kinds of things. He gave me advice on some tools I need. We talked about riding motorcycles. We discussed our aging bodies and some health stuff. We briefly reminisced about my grandparents. We went over some presents he got for Keegan and a knife and sharpening stones he got for Canaan.

And we talked about God, my church and my pastor, Sammy.

He brought up a picture I took at church on Sunday and I added “77 Times” to the picture. My father was asking me what that meant. I shared with him about how when Jesus was talking to Peter and Peter asked Him how many times he needed to forgive someone who sinned against him, suggesting 7 times was sufficient to which Jesus responded “Not 7 times, but 77 times.”

This piece of scripture is very important to me as I cannot afford to hold onto resentments, particularly as someone in recovery.

My father has been following my church and Pastor Sammy online for a little bit now…and this morning, Sammy referenced that same passage of scripture in a morning devo on Facebook.

My dad shot me a screen shot of the video and it was one of those moments that Jesus and only Jesus could have planned. At 3 minutes and 16 seconds into the video, Sammy shared what Jesus said to Peter. He did so the morning after I shared that same information with my dad.

If my relationship with God was stale, boring, unsatisfactory, pointless, or anything short of amazing, I can promise you that it would end and probably fairly abruptly. But it so rewarding and so gratifying that I just can’t see myself anywhere else but right where I am at.

A two hour conversation with my father, stemming from my heart yearning to simply check in with him, turned into a moment that not only bonded my father and I closer, but bonded me and God closer and hopefully and maybe most importantly, nudged my father a fraction of an inch closer to Jesus.

I have spent a lot of time with members of the opposite sex. I have been in many relationships. I have been guilty of wrongdoings towards partners and I have been a victim of wrongdoings. I have tried to mend failed relationships and I have been hopeful when walking into new ones.

I would always in one way or the other place blame on why these relationships ended. I would mistakenly place blame.

There is only one reason why these past relationships ended and that is because I was with the wrong person. Simple as that. I had my plan about who I wanted to be with and who would make me happy. I thought I knew what I needed, I was wrong.

One night, after an extremely difficult day at work and a frustrating evening taking care of my two boys (back when I was a single father) I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed. My head felt like it weighed 50 pounds. I couldn’t hold it up. I dropped my head in my hands, in my room alone and cried.

In those moments, I came to the realization that no woman on this earth could provide me happiness. I recognized that my job, that my only job was to take care of God’s kids. Specifically in that moment, my two sons. I believed for the first time in their lives that the only Help I needed with that job was from God. I accepted that the possibility of me dying a single father was very real and for the first time I was completely okay with that.

I remember praying.

I remember talking with God and saying…

“I get it and I am ready. I will fight everything that crosses my path that could hurt my children. I will go to my grave and invest my last breath doing right for my kids. There is nothing and no one that will distract me from my job. If it God’s will that I die a single father, that is completely fine.”

And then I went to sleep.

It wasn’t long after that when I ran into Kelli. It wasn’t because I was chasing her or she was chasing me. It wasn’t a result of me hunting a partner. It was rooted in some mutual friends suggesting that she help me when I needed it most. It was rooted in her desire to help. It was rooted in my submission to God.

Kelli showed up, she helped, she cared for us…she loved on us. She did that with God in her heart. That love was the catalyst for a relationship that I could have never orchestrated no matter how hard I tried. That love was divinely influenced.

I am extremely fortunate for what I have in my life. I know that and I do not take that for granted. But the one thing that has constantly made me smile, even made me laugh to myself time and time again is how absolutely amazingly strategic God is. How He patiently waited for me to realize that my happiness comes from Him and Him alone and that no woman can on her own make me happy before He placed my wife in my path. My wife who has, with God’s help, provided me more happiness than every other female I have known or will ever know combined. I am so blessed to have her. We are so blessed to have God in our lives. Our home is so fortunate to be ran by God and every one of us is experiencing the rewards from that.

Our wedding vows clearly outlined and predicted all of this. The reason I was never content with other women was because they were the wrong ones. They were not the other half of my soul, only Kelli is that. We are one.

Genesis 2:24

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

I am often asked about my sobriety. My beliefs in God. My past. What action I take to try and remain spiritually fit. My responses to these questions are in stark contrast to how I respond to other questions or conversation. In normal, everyday conversation, my approach is one of two things. Either I remain somewhat silent, or aggressively convicted. If I am not comfortable with my level of understanding on the topic, I normally try to observe. If I am experienced on the topic, I have a hard time acknowledging that someone else in the room might know more than me. Unless it’s like wildly obvious, then I will accept my position.

But when someone asks me about my beliefs in God, or why things happened the way they did, or asks me about the topic of spiritual fitness…my voice changes. I am more soft spoken. I seem to be involuntarily softened. I am not a hit you with the Bible or Big Book type of guy. I am not a “let me prove you wrong with scripture” or a paragraph in the Big Book kind of guy.

I think I am this way for a couple of reasons. The first reason is, because I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that approach. If you are that guy, I can almost assure you that you are pushing more people away than you are attracting. I can also comfortably say that you can have a conversation about Jesus without quoting 6 verses of scripture in a 5 second response. It’s not attractive and it’s not ALWAYS necessary.

I am not saying that quoting biblical scripture or lines from the Big Book are wrong, in fact I feel quite the opposite. What I am saying is that it has its time and place. I am not ashamed of my beliefs. At all. I am not embarrassed and I am not afraid to share what I believe.

I believe that Jesus is Lord and that God raised Him from the dead.

I believe that the principles laid out in the 12 steps are a fool proof way to establish and cultivate a relationship with God.

The other reason I am this way (based on around 20 years of experience) is that someone who lacks faith in God, cares less about my words or knowledge and more about the action I take. A lost man needs (and wants) to be guided (walked with) towards the Solution. He will be more receptive to me crawling in the trenches with him than he will be listening to me speak from a soapbox. He is not impressed with my quoting scripture, he is not impressed with me saying where in the Big Book you can find the 7th step prayer. He is moved, intrigued and impressed by my patience and tolerance. He takes note of me putting my busy life on hold to spend time with him. In his weakest moments he will remember that I drove 6 hours out of my way to sit at his kitchen table for 2 hours on a work night.

I used to be someone who swung the book at you. Spit quotes at you. “Proved you wrong.” I am so grateful that I have nothing to prove to you anymore. It is quite candidly extremely freeing. I am reliant on God and I demonstrate that by my actions, not my words. When asked to speak, I do not shy away from sharing my experience, journey and testimony. I will never stop doing that, but the moment I use my words rather than my actions as means to prove my reliance on God will be the moment I walk on a path that God didn’t lay out for me.

A very unfortunate part of my alcoholism has been that I was not able to see clearly that worldly things will not provide me happiness.

In fact, I was taught from a young age the exact opposite of that. As I’m sure you were to some extent. My thought is, that females have been exposed to this idea even worse than males. They are more often than not taught that they need to live out a fairy tale. Meet Prince Charming, have children, live in a big house wearing expensive clothes, paint up their faces and sip wine with the neighborhood wives and drive their luxury SUV to the soccer games and give out oranges to the kids.

For me, I was told this:

“Do good in school so you can go to college and get a good job. Save your money so that you can buy a nice house and retire early.” This was told to me with the intent of cultivating happiness and comfort.

Now I’m not saying that wasn’t good advice, frankly I wish I would’ve been able to act on it when it was given, but I am saying that equating that advice to a source of happiness isn’t applicable to me. I achieved happiness with nothing of this world.

My spiritual deficiency doesn’t get fixed from worldly things.

I can not fix my spiritual malady with a new car. I can’t fill up my spirit with a woman, a bigger bank account, years of acquired sobriety, a marriage, kids, a nice house, new sneakers, bigger muscles, attention from others, drugs, alcohol, reckless sex, tattoos, a job promotion, etc and ad infinitum.

And now for some words I was completely convinced I would never say:

The only thing that has proven to provide me happiness with any longevity has been my relationship with God.

1 John 2:15-17
15 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. 16 For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. 17 The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

That has proven to be truthful for me up to this point and I believe with every part of my being that it will remain truthful forever. I have changed my perspective on many things, I have been saved from my old self and my old ways of thinking (for the most part) and provided that I continue to try to be the type of man that I feel God wants me to be, I am protected from returning to my old ways of looking at the world. As long as I try to be my brother’s keeper and remain reliant on the Lord, I am headed in the right direction and the old me remains dead. That doesn’t mean that I am without fault, just ask my wife or kids. But it does mean that I have the ability now to be permanently free, live life to the full and be forever happy, but not because of my good works. My God has already paid all of my debt. But my only responsibility in life now is to remain reliant on Him and to help any of my lost siblings find their way to Him as well.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

I appreciate resistence to biblical teachings, as for the large majority of my life, I was too. But what I want to encourage is, for the people that might be reading this that are not experiencing life the way they want to be, is try to lower your guard. The only things that could come of it are:

1. You will either prove yourself right, that Jesus was not who He said He was or…
2. You will be proven wrong and find happiness and freedom that lasts forever.

If I claim to be perfect with my actions, I can promise it is not my intention. If I claim with my words that I am better than you, again, not my intention. I know how absolutely imperfect I am. I know how much improvement I need to make. I also know that I am reliant on my God to change in me the defects of character that do not align with who He wants me to be.

I am almost 12 years sober. I am a few months away. That does not mean that I am void of fear. That fear is what drives me to be imperfect. When I lash out, I am fearful. When I am not giving, selfish, dismissive, unsympathetic, rude or resentful…I am scared.

When my life gets boiled down, what’s left in the pot of fear is a disconnect from God. Alcoholism is a funny thing like that. I can be almost 12 years removed from a drink or a needle of heroin but I am still susceptible to see the world in the same way I did 12 years ago if I do not stay close to God.

This is one of a million examples I have experienced which tells me that my alcoholism or drug addiction had little to do with the drink or drugs and almost everything to do with my relationship with God.

I have recently been doing some silent self reflection on this. I have behaved in such a way that I am not proud of, specifically with how I am reacting to how others act. I have been laser focused on performing well at work so that I can provide a better life for my family. I have knowingly sacrificed many things in order to not fail professionally. I will continue to do that but I have noticed in my personal life that I have been more judgmental and short. I have been impatient and dismissive. I can see these things in hindsight and I pray to have them changed.

These defects are not who God wants me to be and in turn, not who I want to be.

Today I am aware of this and have prayed to have these things changed. I know that my prayers are less likely to change the world around me and the people in it and more likely to change my perspective and approach to the world, so it is my job to act on that. I am actually grateful for this awareness, and I know that it is within my reach to improve…which is hopeful.

What happens when I choose to turn away from God is, I end up alone. I end up drunk and high, sick and beaten…and very very much alone.

Over the passed 3 weeks, I have noticed something at home. I don’t recall pointing it out to my family once, but I do recall being mindful of it and seeing the connection between it and God several times.

I have noticed that my family, all of my family has been gathering in the same room. It doesn’t matter the room, we just all end up in it. This doesn’t happen all the time, but it has happened enough for me to notice.

The day goes by as normal. We argue, we may fight but we also laugh, joke, eat and relax together. We are a normal family I suppose. But then all the sudden, after we fight or disagree… I find all of us sitting on the floor together in my bedroom. Or we are all in the spare room playing and laughing. One time, I sat there and it was as if life had the pause button pressed and I could see how absolutely beautiful my life is as we all were collected in the bathroom together as my daughter was taking a bath.

I don’t know why I didn’t point this out, but I can voice now, that for me, it was very powerful.

I am hopeful that I can constantly change and improve to be more like God wants me to be so I never lose that.

Something I have learned in recovery is that misery is optional.

I’m actually going to say that one more time…

Misery is optional.

I used to walk through life with a victim mentality. I used to justify my pain and the length of time to which I lived in that pain by highlighting the idea that I didn’t deserve the pain in the first place. It’s a very quick and easy way to find yourself unhappy.

I also used to feel very convicted about my beliefs, regardless of them serving me well or not. “Yes, I am miserable, but God isn’t real for all these reasons… No, I am not willing to change my beliefs about God even though you have found happiness and peace through your relationship with God.”

Sounded pretty ridiculous as I typed that, but that is who I was. I have crossed paths with all different types of people in recovery, with all different beliefs and I have taken mental note of their beliefs. I have also taken note of some consistencies.

Not all people that “believe” in God are happy.

Not all people that don’t believe in God are miserable.

However, without exception, all people that wholeheartedly both believe in God and consistently take action towards doing His work and being their brother’s keeper are happy. Actually, both happy and free of the bondage of addiction and/or alcoholism.

In the 20 plus years I have been exposed to the recovery community, I have yet to find one single person that is honest, sows seeds of love, prays, helps others and doesn’t hurt people (knowingly) that isn’t both happy and sober.

What I have found is that the people that constantly relapse, can’t stay sober at all in the first place or are abstinent and miserable all have something in common. Either they don’t believe in God, don’t exhaust every effort towards trying to be who God wants them to be, are dishonest, harm others, put material gain in front of God reliance, take advantage of people or the like…

Yet, these seem to be the same people that swear up and down that they are right about God. They swear they are right while being suffocated by their own misery.

Their own optional misery.

I don’t know much, but what I do know is that even if I am wrong about God, I am happy. I know that my family can count on me and desires my presence. I know that I can provide for my family. I know that I am appreciated by my employer. I know that people believe I will be there for them if they need help. I know that taking a drink or a drug is not appealing to me. I know these things because I have consistently experienced them over the 11 and a half years that I’ve been sober.

I wonder…if you don’t believe in God…if you don’t take action of doing God’s will…if you aren’t trying to take care of your brothers and sisters…if you aren’t happy….if you aren’t free…if you are lonely, never truly fulfilled, trapped in a dark place, unable to stay sober, harming others (either directly or indirectly)…

…are you sure you’re correct in your beliefs?

“Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”

If you have ever taken the time to read anything I’ve written…or have had any conversations with me about what my life has looked like, you already know about the struggles I subjected myself to prior to getting sober. I always make sure to follow up these stories with what my life has been like since getting sober. I don’t give out one without the other. It’s pointless. I also have always (in sobriety at least) equated my happiness to my reliance on God. In hindsight I can also see that chasing happiness in forms of the flesh, or things of this world has always and will always provide me temporary happiness which is certainly something I’m not interested in. I want the whole kit and caboodle. I want, deserve and am guaranteed permanent happiness for eternity and I’m cashing in.

What you may not know is that since moving in a more intentional direction towards God, specifically towards Jesus…my spirit has changed.

I have been intrigued in a new way about Jesus over the last few years. I kept it quiet more often than I spoke about it. I was honestly embarrassed to discuss it because I was always so outspoken about followers of Jesus being weak, absent of the ability to think for themselves, tricked by the church and so on. But something pulled me to be more open minded and in doing that, I found my truth.

I am coming up on the anniversary of my confession that I accepted Jesus. I sat alone in my Pastor’s office with him and awkwardly said out loud how I felt about Jesus, His resurrection, my desire to be as close to Him as possible… and I began to change. I may not act like it all the time, but I feel more connected to God as a result. I feel like I have such a stronger connection. I feel more free. I notice my blessings more and I am more grateful for them. I pray for others, something I have never done before. I am open about my relationship with Him and I am completely unashamed and undeterred from standing up for what I believe. Even my wife has said I am less likely to execute someone now than when I first met her…so that’s a win, right?

I believe that the Spirit has given new life to my spirit.

New life.

I have a different way of viewing things in a lot of ways and I see things the same in a lot of ways because I was living like a Christian in a lot of ways even before June 2nd, 2009…I just didn’t realize it.

So as I look at my life today, I can see that since recognizing that following Jesus was what I was called to do, I can also see that my life has been unfolding in a way I could never have planned or designed on my own. I cannot tell where my life is going, but I don’t need to. I blindly trust that it is going in the direction that God wants it to and that is quite possibly the most comfortable place I have ever been in my life. That freedom has provided me the ability to be the type of man that I have always yearned to be. Well, at least the ability to strive to be that man. I’m still learning in that area.