I used to think that if there was a G-d, He had no interest in me, that no matter what I did or didn’t do, life went on the same. I would feel the same. My discomfort or comfort was not related to anything other than what was done to me or wasn’t done for me. I was exposed to the idea of G-d at an early age. I even went to a private school for several years, after that I went to night classes to learn about G-d. There were a few problems with that. First of all, I wasn’t ready to accept the idea of G-d and secondly, it was pushed on me who G-d was.
When I got a bit older I decided there was no G-d.
I’m not sure if that was due to me thinking it was cool to not believe or if I honestly just didn’t believe. I was one of those people who said “If there is a G-d, why did He let my parents break up? Why does he allow people to get molested or starve to death? Why are there AIDS and cancer and other diseases if there is a G-d?” It just didn’t make sense to me. I was exposed to a lifestyle at an early age that I still feel I was too young to be exposed to. I was convinced that there was no G-d or He wouldn’t have let that happen.
That said, when I got heavily involved in the drink and drugs and crime and hopelessness, I always prayed for a way out when, and only when I needed a way out. When I hadn’t eaten in days but I couldn’t stop shitting water. When I would be hunched over the toilet and a stream of vomit would connect the toilet water to my mouth and I didn’t have the strength to spit it out. When I would hallucinate from lack of sleep. When the police pulled me over. When I was broke and needed dope. These are the times I would pray. And the prayers didn’t work…or maybe they did looking back.
So I trudged on through life…miserable and alone. Fighting the rest of the population, either in my head or literally. I can promise you that there is nothing joyous about a life like that. I hated everyone. My family was the last thing I wanted. Everyone pissed me off. The only time I would even want to speak to my parents was when I wanted something.
Then I got word I had a son on the way.
I tried to get better through reaching out to G-d. It worked. It will always work. I didn’t stay connected because I turned my back on G-d. I did me.
Tomorrow I will be spending the entire day at the hospital and a specialist’s office. Only I’m not going for me. My 4 month old son developed something called torticollis. This caused him to only be able to sleep on one side for the first few months he’s been alive. His skull is still soft so it ended up being flat on one side from only being able to sleep on one side. He has gone through physical therapy. He has seen doctor’s far too many times. He needs to have a helmet fitted tomorrow that he has to wear for 23 hours a day for 4 to 6 months…minimum. He also was showing signs of a possible brain concern. I had to take him to a pediatric neurologist. The neurologist said he needed to have an MRI. So tomorrow we’ll be in the hospital doing that for around 4 hours.
He needs to be sedated for the procedure.
He will be out of my sight during the MRI, unconscious.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy, I assure you. I’m sharing this because today, I know what G-d can do. I’m telling you this because my prayers are answered today. I know that my baby will be fine. Not because this is a simple procedure, which it is but anytime someone tells you as a parent your son may have a brain concern, needs to be put under with drugs and there isn’t really a choice in the matter, but because I have seen the Power of G-d. I don’t believe for one second that something will go wrong.
But…
…if something did happen to go wrong, I know that everything will be fine. That G-d hasn’t given me anything I can’t handle, and He’s not about to start now.