The wind is blowing and the sun is out. The trees seem to sparkle from the reflection of the sun on its leaves. The mail truck stops, and starts again. The neighbor down the street waters his flowers. I inhale and exhale on my front step. My thoughts are consumed with what I’m doing, what I should be doing. I’m trying to stay in the moment. I’m trying to focus on right now. I cannot change the past, what I’ve done or haven’t done. All I can control is what I do right now. Tomorrow is just that, tomorrow. I can do minor things to prepare for tomorrow, but I can’t be in tomorrow until it comes. My son is constantly on my brain…
I want to be a certain kind of man. I don’t feel that I am yet, I just want to be who G-d wants me to be. I spend way too much time trying to figure out who that is I think. When I notice I’m doing that, doing something that cannot be accomplished…trying to figure out G-d or what He wants, I lose time. So I make two phone calls. I call two guys that can help me redirect my thinking to something productive. I talk briefly with them, and get up. My room gets cleaned, and toys get gathered. And still all I can think about is my son. Am I doing everything I can for him?
I work at a dead end job.
I could be giving him so much more.
I do have faith that will change sooner than later, but for right now…that is reality. I don’t wallow in self pity, but I allow myself to be aware of the situation for exactly what it is. My life right now has room for improvement, and that is exactly what I intend to do. Move my feet toward improving my life for my family. However broken up it is.
If you would’ve caught me just 2 years ago, I would still be thinking. I would still be consumed with thought, as I always have been. I would’ve noticed the need for improvement.
The difference is…it wouldn’t have been approachable. The void of comfort would’ve seemed too large to do anything about. And I would’ve drawn up the water. I would’ve made that potion in that little plastic cap or spoon. I would’ve stalled the inevitable. My son would still be misplaced, and it would’ve filled my eyes with tears. My clothes would still be dirty, and I would just be hopeless and alone.
I like to think that my thoughts are less directed toward my discomfort today, and more towards my son’s comfort. This in itself is a huge improvement. This is how my G-d touches me. I receive enough motivation to move, but not be spoiled. I move in the direction of Him, I move to get closer to Him. In doing this, my son gets provided for. I notice the wind. I appreciate the sun and its tricks on the leaves. The harmony of the earth and its inhabitants. My situation improves.
I have an overwhelming thirst to be a certain kind of man, and for the first time in my life…it has nothing to do with me.