So I’m all by myself right now. My son and his cousin are visiting with my father and step mom for a week at the beach. I have more down time than I would ever ask for. Usually, on a day like this, a day that I don’t have to work, we would be packing up toys, water guns, lunch, drinks and towels to go to the pool. I’m thinking of this because I have walked past my swim trunks, neatly folded up by the beach towels about 5 times today. Each time I notice one thing…they are there alone. The little blue, monkey faced, striped swim trunks that would normally be way too small for an 8 year old but fit my son perfectly are absent.
So what do I do? I have adopted the role of a daddy, and willingly and gratefully threw away my previous life. That’s right, I threw it away, meaning, I know longer choose to live that way.
It used to be that my heart would hurt, or I would feel so broken over things that you couldn’t imagine. Things like missing a vein. Things like getting burned on a drug purchase. Things like the owner of the pawn shop giving me 15 dollars shy of what I needed to be comfortable. Today, my selfishness, that I never said was completely gone, surfaces in a different way. Today, I get upset from walking past a lonely pair of swim trunks.
This is way more temporary than when I would feel discomfort from having to rip off a friend, or having to lie to a family member to get money. This discomfort lasts only a minute, and usually only seconds. Why? Because just as quickly as I realize my swim trunks are all by themselves, I realize where their normal partnering swim trunks are. They are being worn by a little boy enjoying the company of other people that love him. Other people that rarely see him. He is on the beach, digging for sand crabs, testing his endurance against the waves, showing off for his cousin. And based off of my experience, constantly making my Dad and step mom “Look at this!”
This thought fills me up. It’s not the same as when I see his joy first hand. It’s not the same as creating memories with him. It’s not the same as showing him that although I was absent, I’m back now forever. But, my heart is joyous for him because he is having fun. Because he is in a safe environment, at this moment, he is at peace. He is loved.
As a father that has no idea what I’m doing, all I really want for him is to be happy. I want him to learn. I want to teach him. I want him to laugh. I want him to sleep soundly. I want to shield him from the evils of this world and shelter him from situations that are not safe. I want to show him what G-d can and has done. I want to live with him, grow with him, squeeze him and kiss him. I want to show him he is my friend, my brother, and my son all in one little bundle. I want to paint with him. I want to let him lead me through the woods, for him to show me where to go. I want him to have that satisfaction. I want to give him everything that I can.
I want to wear my swim trunks when he’s wearing his, together. It’s the least I can do considering that I was who I was for most of his life. I am thankful that it will never be that way again provided I continue on this path towards G-d.