I used to struggle internally with where I had to be. I have painted a picture of what I used to be like, but even then, at my worst, I still had a sliver of love in my heart. I firmly believe that everyone has a fire inside of them, and no matter what they do, it is never fully extinguished. No matter how many people they hurt, no matter how close they get to the dark side, there is still a fire. I am no exception. However, my fire diminished to the equivalent of a lighter with no gas, I just had a frustrating faint spark left in me. But it was enough. The smallest and weakest of sparks has the potential to burn your house to the ground. The house I was in for years was “hopelessness”. And right now, I feel like its a smoldering pile of soot that needs to be cleaned up. That is the task at hand.
So that little spark (G-d) I had inside of me before, had me wondering why I couldn’t be happy at home. Why I couldn’t be the father I knew I had the ability to be, and that my son deserved. I would drive to north west Baltimore to post up on the block, and cry the whole way there. I mean I would be passing cars on the shoulder, pedal to the floor, misusing merge lanes, hysterically crying until I got to an area where I might be spotted…then I would stop. But only on the outside. Only the physical tears would stop running, the steering wheel punching, the screaming at cars and the frantic calls of “WHY?!?!?!” directed at no one in particular would subside. But inside, that’s where the real torture was taking place. I wanted to be at home. I wanted to be a daddy, a step father, a husband, etc… But I couldn’t. I had lost the power of choice. I lost the battle every time, and the only relief I could find was inside of a needle or intertwined in the copper wire stuffed into the end of a glass pipe. But I assure you that the spark was still in me, waiting patiently.
I love, absolutely love being around my son today. And I don’t need to fake anything. The laughs we share are genuine, the tears I have today are a result of overwhelming gratitude and amazement of what G-d has done for me. The only struggle I have today for the most part is when I have to leave my son to go to work or to a meeting, and even then it’s not that bad because I know it’s all part if being a good dad. And I don’t know if I’m trying to make up for lost time, and frankly I don’t care. I just know that I am here right now, at this moment doing right. I am full of love, and today I have no delusions about where that comes from. And as much as I’d like to say that all of these blissful moments I have with my son are because of my son, I can’t. Because without G-d, I wouldn’t have any of this. I have the luxury of being his dad. I have the privilege of being in my son’s company. He is everything to me, but I will not put him before G-d ever. I won’t do this because with G-d in the number one slot, I am given all these gifts. With G-d anywhere else, I am your worst enemy. I am an absentee father, a scum bag, a thief, a liar, the list could go on for days. My problems today are luxury problems, nothing more. There are no big deals in my life today, and I assure you that I haven’t shared on here half of what is “on my plate”.