I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, praying and waiting lately about what my role is as a father. It’s not as cut and dry as most parents would think. And speaking of most parents, I was thinking of mine and how I’m certain they have read or do read this. I was specifically thinking about my step mom and what she might think. I have been fairly graphic about my actions and thoughts prior to getting sober, and I thought about how bananas I must appear to “the outside world.” People that haven’t had experience with the level of hopelessness myself and those closest to me have had, will never truly understand. This is both a blessing and a hardship. So even though I display the behavior of a loving, caring, altruistic human being most of the time today, it wasn’t always like that. And someone “on the outside world” may read my words and think that what I’m doing today is what I should have always been doing and that it’s not something I should be talking about like it’s such a big feat, and frankly, they would be right…and that’s not what this is about. Well, if that is the case, and I’m not saying that it is, and this is directed towards no one, please understand that there are men and women (parents) who are still behaving like I once was, and maybe they just might get some small amount of hope that there is a better way if they ever stumble across this.
So back to my initial thought. Where do I fit in as a parent? I have not been a disciplinarian since I have been put back in my son’s life. I have been more of a friend who has experience to share. I have lessons I have learned and I am obligated to tell my son about them. I know from my own experience, that sometimes a “don’t do ‘this’ or ‘that’ will happen” talk isn’t always the best. I know that as a very fearful child, I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my dad about certain things and never did because I viewed him as a disciplinarian. I also viewed him as a teacher and a hero, but the consequences of me doing bad had me see more of the disciplinarian than anything else. The funny thing is, is that I haven’t had a need to be the bad guy yet.
Back when I was “gettin it in” as they say, I was always the bad guy. I did the things I swore I would never do. I screamed, I mean SCREAMED at the top of my lungs when things didn’t go my way. When my kids were just being kids. And more often than not, I expected my step son to behave like a teenager who should’ve known better when he was only 7. And as I said before, he got the worst of it. I hope one day I will be able to make that up to him. I mean really make it up to him. I hit him. Not hit like closed fist hit, no. But walked away with my hand stinging. Walked away and felt as though I needed to be punished for the way I just behaved. I walked away so ashamed of myself that occasionally I contemplated checking myself in somewhere. Only to repeat the same behavior the next time he “acted up” which really meant “acted like a child his age should have.” I was so sick. I punished them both. I remember one time they got punished from a game system and I ended up pawning it. I was all about me, and my boat not being rocked that I rarely spent anytime thinking about them. And I firmly believed I loved them the right way. I neglected them. I robbed them. I tortured 2 innocent little boys.
So right now, I’m basically starting over. I’m not saying there isn’t going to be a time when I need to put my foot down, but it hasn’t happened yet. My son just does the right thing so much, that when he doesn’t, it’s barely noticed. I spend time walking and talking with him. The key word there was “with”. I have learned from my experience working one on one with new guys coming to me for help, that it is much more productive to talk “with” someone rather than “to” someone. I basically just live my life, and do my parenting like i constantly have a little 8 year old “new guy” following me around all day looking for guidance. And you know what else? This little new guy I have, is the most willing new guy I have found to date.
With G-d directing my thinking, I think differently than I am wired to. I use my heart more. I can put myself in your shoes. I don’t always need to be right. And I do not need to yell or put my hands on my child, that type of parenting is for someone else, not me….and not my son.