I’ve always felt like I was a loner. Not a loner in the sense of I preferred to be alone, or that I only hung out with myself. No, more like in a room full of people, I was the only one like me. It’s really odd too because I never thought I was different in a bad way. It was more like a “All these girls want to be with me, and all these guys want to be like me” kinda way. This only changed when I had a child and wasn’t equipped to take care of him properly. Actually, it didn’t change until I REALIZED that I couldn’t take care of him properly, which are two totally different things. So when it did change, it went from what I mentioned before, to a “Nobody who has kids is as bad off as me” kinda way. With that on the forefront of my brain during the day, it was an easy decision to make when the option arouse of “Should I get fucked up before returning home?”
I was already a complete piece of shit anyway, and at least if I was high or drunk I would be more active at home. I had an opposite effect with most drugs, heroin got me amped, coke slowed me down. The drink could go either way. So I stayed wrecked all the time. I never enjoyed anything in retrospect. I remember thinking my neighbors liked me, they probably just acted like that to keep me on their good side.
I just had a shifty way about me. People in general had it out for me, and in turn…I had to be on the defense. So I went from thinking I was the hottest shit on the block, to feeling like, well….that I was just another piece of shit on the block. Nothing I tried was working. I mean it would for a little while, then ultimately it faded into destruction. Picture that old cartoon with the road runner and the coyote. I was the coyote, and life was the road runner. I could never get ahead and I would try anything even if I just got blown up trying it last Saturday morning.
Today, I recognize that I need other people. Not in the sense of I need to get things from them, no. I need to interact with them and see where I am needed in their lives. The only problem with that is, is that sometimes I beat myself up a bit when I can’t do what I want for them. I would love to buy my father a boat, but I struggle keeping my car gassed up sometimes. I would love to put my mom on a cruise to somewhere, but I also need to get a bit more independent. My grandmother needs to get out of her house, she’s there all alone and far too old to be, but there is nothing I can do about it. And every once in awhile, I forget what my primary purpose is, and I beat myself up for not spending enough hours sitting down one on one with someone talking about spiritual principles. My son also needs me though, I am in charge of showing him how a man should live. I can’t do that if I’m beating myself up. I can’t be a good trustee to my son if I’m worrying about anything actually, I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and in turn show him where to put his feet if he wants to live right.
I forget how my G-d judges me. I forget I’m not in the results business. G-d judges me on my effort and not my ability. My job is to do my best and show up. When I do that, you aren’t on the other team. We are not different. No matter if your G-d has 8 arms, is blue, has you eat his flesh and drink his blood, or will turn you into a cow after you die, we’re all the same. And no matter what, when I am moving my feet in the direction of G-d, I am never alone.