When I pray in the morning I ask for few things. I ask for direction primarily. You see, I feel that although I have been shown a path, a spiritual way of life, I still can suffer from blindness. I have such a high level of sickness, that I need to re-up on direction daily, and often a few times a day. I’m not saying that I am at risk of falling off my path, but….if I don’t do certain things, I am sure to revert to my old ways. Shit happens quicker than I prefer inside of me at times. One minute it seems as though the world is collapsing on top of me and the next it feels like the sunlight of the spirit couldn’t be any brighter. In the blink of an eye in the past I have shifted gears from doing the right thing, to stealing your car. SNAP! Just like that.
When my son and I were at the swim club the other day, the other very cloudy and eventual rainy day, we were swimming around with each other. He was laughing, I was laughing. There was little to no sunlight out, and the water temperature was tolerable at best. He teased me with the occasional splash, and the classic “Hey daddy, look at me”. A few mothers showed up with their kids and my son and I continued to play on our own. I noticed my son glancing over at the kids playing. I couldn’t help but think about my son’s half brother. And that he doesn’t see him nearly enough. One of the kids had a bucket and let it drift to the center of the pool. My son decided he wanted it, and grabbed it. The mother of the bucket owner shouts over “You can play with it, it’s alright.” So my son thanked her and trudged back over to me.
He kept holding the bucket upside down and forcing it under water trapping an air pocket in the top (which was really the bottom of the bucket since it was upside down) and was quite proud of his new discovery. He did this several times, everytime just pushing the bucket under water, then pulling it up out of the water. I explained to him that after he pushed the bucket under water, if he slowly tilted the bucket to one side he could watch the air escape and the big bubbles from that air rise to the surface. He did that and was surprisingly pleased.
This reminded me of the transition from hopelessness to happiness and vice versa and how quickly it can change. You see, the moment I stop living as my heart screams at me I should. When I stop seeing what I can give, and start seeing what I can take, the shift will happen. When I stop relying on G-d for direction, the bucket starts to tilt. The love I experience starts to fade, the air escapes the bucket. The thing is, when the air escapes, when the G-d reliance and love escapes me, something else has to take its place. The bucket takes in more water and sinks to the bottom of the pool, away from my son’s grasp. And my experience has shown me, that when the love escapes me, when I shun the direction of G-d, I am immediately filled up with selfishness and fear. I start to sink to the bottom. And what comes along with that is loneliness, despair and hopelessness. And if I ever decide to take that path again, I am sure to be out of my son’s reach once again.
I refuse.