This morning I woke up, my son quickly followed suit. I did what I always do when I wake up before him. I quietly watched him sleep. I do this for several reasons. The first of which is that I rarely get to see a more perfect example of what G-d has done for me than giving me one of His kids to look after. Yes, I truly believe I am my brother’s keeper. And yes, it is my pleasure to “look after” all His kids. However, the idea that He blessed me with the job of a trustee for this little boy overwhelmingly fills my heart with love. So I watch, I breathe and I fuel up for the day with love in my heart. I have enormously joyful moments in watching this sleeping angel that I have never managed to find from the needle or in the bottom of a bottle. In fact, the only thing that I have felt that has ever been close to this inner peace that I feel when watching my son sleep, is in helping a broken man find his path to G-d. Followed by the moments that I had with my ex wife when we were “in tune” with each other, which were few and far between as a direct result of my selfishness and self seeking motives.
The second reason that I thoroughly enjoy the moments I get when the sun is peeking through the blinds onto my child and no artificial light is in the room, is that I see how natural it is to love and be there for my child. This may seem odd to most. Shit, it feels odd to say. The status quo for parenting is that this starts at the child’s birth. Well, not for me. Like I said before, I was (still am sometimes) extremely selfish in my ways. And of course I always loved my baby, but I had the most powerful distraction any man like me could have. I was so distracted with “self” as they say, that I lost the power of choice to do the right thing. Now mind you, this has nothing to do with drugs and alcohol, but everything to do with a lack of G-d. So, even when the drugs and alcohol were removed from the equation, the lack of G-d was still there creating more and more problems, and more and more reasons (excuses) for me to justify being a complete douchebag. I had another family in the needle, in the bottom of glass vials and tiny ziplock baggies and I had a very seductive mistress residing in a Southern Comfort bottle.
Today, because I have found a spiritual solution to my spiritual problem, I can appreciate moments like the 4 to 5 minutes I spent just admiring G-d’s handiwork. Just living in the moment. It seemed as though there was no outside world this morning, just me, my son and G-d. Then it happened. He started squirming around, shifting his weight from one side to the other. He stretched his arms and legs, eyes still shut. He reached up and wiped his mouth, covertly gazing through squinted eyes, and BAM!!!!! Shot up like a rocket, stating “Daddy!!!!!! I was drooling in my sleep!!!!”
I admitted I did the same, went downstairs to use the bathroom, and without premeditation started tearing up and laughing at the same time. I am able to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up, and furthermore, I am able to have a genuine smile on my face for him to see. These are the moments, the undeniable reasons that I believe in G-d. And not just believe, but chase. I do everything I can to be as close to G-d as I possibly can, because I know through my own personal experience that without Him, I am unable to see things like I saw at 7:46am today.