Eleven Years

When it comes to it, sobriety for me has been easier than you might think. (This time at least) Staying sober is not difficult when the right Solution is in play. Staying sober being directed by my own thoughts and desires however is without a doubt, completely impossible.

On January 2nd, 2009 I walked into my most recent treatment episode as a patient. I was lost, broken, alone, void of love in all aspects and hopeless. I had nothing and felt like even less than that. I was dark spirited and suicidal.

I made a last ditch effort of an agreement with myself to try sobriety…

…one last time.

This was it. If I failed, I would end my own life, just as I was about to do before making the decision to try sobriety again. I am a unicorn in the recovery community based on what the majority of people will tell you. I have always heard “You have to do it for yourself. You can’t get sober for anyone else.”

No, actually that’s not true at all. I didn’t get sober for me, I got sober for Canaan and for Canaan alone. I had no other reason to stay sober or to even inhale another breath.

I was in a car, ready to end my life. That couldn’t be anymore true. I had a plan. I had the means. I was 30 seconds from making it happen.

The thing is, what I know now, is that even with the gift of free will, God still has the ability to perform miracles for people against their own will. That is what happened to and for me.

God intervened divinely and projected the most vivid image of my son’s face inches away from mine. I could not see anything else for a few seconds. Typing this literally brings tears to my eyes because it was that powerful, that real and that life changing. The little blessing from God was the catalyst to me even being alive right now.

Everything after that point was a result of me submitting everything, my whole self and entire life to God. Everything I have is a gift as a result. My life couldn’t be anymore full of love now. There’s tight moments, of course…but I haven’t gone through a single season that has been powerful enough for me to be swayed from my path towards my Father.

I have a beautiful family that loves me, looks at me like I’ve always yearned for and supports me. I have a career I couldn’t be more in love with. I have a host of friends that would do anything for me. I have a wife that stands next to me in every way and walks towards God along side of me, motivating me when I need it.

But more than anything, I have Love for life. I have freedom. I have Protection.

I have God in every second of every day and I have had that for the last eleven years.

If you played a part in my recovery on any level, “Thank you.”