Something I have learned in recovery is that misery is optional.
I’m actually going to say that one more time…
Misery is optional.
I used to walk through life with a victim mentality. I used to justify my pain and the length of time to which I lived in that pain by highlighting the idea that I didn’t deserve the pain in the first place. It’s a very quick and easy way to find yourself unhappy.
I also used to feel very convicted about my beliefs, regardless of them serving me well or not. “Yes, I am miserable, but God isn’t real for all these reasons… No, I am not willing to change my beliefs about God even though you have found happiness and peace through your relationship with God.”
Sounded pretty ridiculous as I typed that, but that is who I was. I have crossed paths with all different types of people in recovery, with all different beliefs and I have taken mental note of their beliefs. I have also taken note of some consistencies.
Not all people that “believe” in God are happy.
Not all people that don’t believe in God are miserable.
However, without exception, all people that wholeheartedly both believe in God and consistently take action towards doing His work and being their brother’s keeper are happy. Actually, both happy and free of the bondage of addiction and/or alcoholism.
In the 20 plus years I have been exposed to the recovery community, I have yet to find one single person that is honest, sows seeds of love, prays, helps others and doesn’t hurt people (knowingly) that isn’t both happy and sober.
What I have found is that the people that constantly relapse, can’t stay sober at all in the first place or are abstinent and miserable all have something in common. Either they don’t believe in God, don’t exhaust every effort towards trying to be who God wants them to be, are dishonest, harm others, put material gain in front of God reliance, take advantage of people or the like…
Yet, these seem to be the same people that swear up and down that they are right about God. They swear they are right while being suffocated by their own misery.
Their own optional misery.
I don’t know much, but what I do know is that even if I am wrong about God, I am happy. I know that my family can count on me and desires my presence. I know that I can provide for my family. I know that I am appreciated by my employer. I know that people believe I will be there for them if they need help. I know that taking a drink or a drug is not appealing to me. I know these things because I have consistently experienced them over the 11 and a half years that I’ve been sober.
I wonder…if you don’t believe in God…if you don’t take action of doing God’s will…if you aren’t trying to take care of your brothers and sisters…if you aren’t happy….if you aren’t free…if you are lonely, never truly fulfilled, trapped in a dark place, unable to stay sober, harming others (either directly or indirectly)…
…are you sure you’re correct in your beliefs?
You say: I also used to feel very convicted about my beliefs, regardless of them serving me well or not. “Yes, I am miserable, but God isn’t real for all these reasons… No, I am not willing to change my beliefs about God even though you have found happiness and peace through your relationship with God.”
So you choose what to believe based on whether or not it serves you well. This is dangerous thinking. It would serve me well to believe that one day I will see those I’ve lost again. Does that have any bearing on the validity of that belief? By that rationale people in crisis should believe that it’s all a dream and it will all be ok soon. That would serve them well. Does it also make it true? Of course not. Believing what we want to be true and disbelieving what we don’t want to be true is the antithesis of the kind of growth and self knowledge that can only come by saying The Emperor Has No Clothes.
You say: However, without exception, all people that wholeheartedly both believe in God and consistently take action towards doing His work and being their brother’s keeper are happy. Actually, both happy and free of the bondage of addiction and/or alcoholism. This is demonstrably false. If you know more than 10 people in recovery this would statistically not hold true. This is a broad, self-serving generalization and judgement of others that is arrogant and condescending. I served god for many years will every shred of my being. I prayed and fasted for days at a time, I laid hands on the sick, I spread the gospel far and wide. It was my life and everything I did was in service to him. And upon my honor I was miserable. But not for the reasons you gave. Indeed, I was miserable because I knew deep down that it was all a lie. That he wasn’t real. And by extension my life and my hope; my future and my foundation weren’t either.
You say that people believe you will be there for them if they ask for help. I believed that too. Once again, I swallowed hard and made up a lie to tell my family and asked for help. Help said no. Help said I wasn’t sincere enough and I didn’t say the right things. And 25 years worth of judgement from sponsors and big book beaters and bible bouncers came flooding back to me. And I remembered why I’m miserable. I remembered why I said I would never again ask for help from AA or an absentee diety. Help that never comes. I wanted what you have. I told you I couldn’t have it. I wasn’t “in the club” as Jason used to call it…I asked for help. I’m still miserable and addicted and still reading how it’s my fault and how it could be so different if only I would…this that and the other..ad infinitum. Some are lucky. Others aren’t. But there’s no worse feeling to humble yourself and ask for help and be turned away. I don’t know anyone who woudnt choose misery over that. Because the pain to change just became greater than the pain to stay the same. I love you and envy you brother. Truly I do. I don’t discount your sobriety nor the work you put into it. But I say again….you were lucky.
Thank you for your thoughts.
I am not suggesting that my beliefs are what they are based on them serving me well or not. I am simply stating that my conviction as it pertains to my beliefs was stubborn in nature. I was saying even though my life was going in a direction that didn’t serve me well, I was too stubborn, egotistical and proud to even consider changing them to see if that change would help. That said, I do change what I believe based on what I experience. If I believe firmly that gravity doesn’t exist because I can’t see it, smell it, touch it or taste it…but then I have an experience of falling out of a tree, well my new experience has now helped changed my beliefs.
Regarding my thoughts about people being the type of person that God wants them to be and by doing that they are generally happy and free is most certainly based on a snap shot of more than 10 people. Quite candidly you could multiply that number by 700 and I would still feel pure when making that statement. You are suggesting that “your” approach or “your approach at the time” was the same approach I am referring to, which is not the case. I am not suggesting that traditional church work, missionary work, evangelical work or the like will provide you with the same results as what I did and continue to do. That is an assumption on your part and it is false. One might even say egotistical and condescending.
Now, to respond to your thought about me not being there to “help” you when you asked. First of all, I am very sorry you feel that way. Out of respect for your privacy, I will refrain from sharing my perspective of the efforts I have made to try and help you. I will however encourage you to consider that this “help” you are referring to was not entirely up to me, as I highlighted multiple times. I also believe you are confusing the words “help” and “gift.” Your past unfortunate encounters with people in the recovery has nothing to do with how I have engaged you with what I believe to be respectful and graceful. I am very sorry you feel otherwise.
To be very clear, the help I am referencing is me, putting my life on hold to sit down and share my experience with others about what I did to recover from a hopeless state. Not to pass out tens of thousands of dollars.
If you think the results I have received (peace, freedom, the ability to give & receive love, accountability, empathy, compassion and a sense of connection with my brothers and sisters) is simply a result of sheer luck…I would like to introduce you to literally thousands of people that have been “gifted” that same luck.
I didn’t mean that you weren’t there for me. You certainly have been. And to be clear I never asked you for money. I asked for help. I asked for a scholarship to rehab. I also don’t mean those gifts or results you speak of were the result of luck. I’m sure they required a great deal of work. I meant, as we discussed previously, that at some point you were given an opportunity or a measure of grace that others who are still miserable might not have been given yet. The butterfly could have just as easily flapped his wings differently and the monsoon would have hit Japan instead of India. I love you brother. Please know that my frustration with recovery and life are in no way directed toward you. You are one of my very favorite people.
Thank you for that. I take no offense to anything you have said or might say. We are the same and you are my brother. I wish nothing but happiness for you and I hope that you find the peace that is your God given right.