Exención

Broken promises…telling my loved ones “I am ashamed of what I did and who I’ve become and I will never do that again” only to repeat that same behavior the following week, or sometimes the following day.

Shirking my responsibilities…not paying bills, not cleaning up, not following through ever and blaming you for it the whole time.

Disappointing my son…telling him I will be there for him and leaving. Parenting him with fear rather than love. Not providing for him in a way he deserves. Putting my selfish wants and desires before his wellbeing.

Failing in my professional life…being intelligent and creative enough to be very successful, but lacking drive. Lacking willingness to learn. Blaming my employers for my own failures.

Harming people….I could provide an endless list here. If I did, it would include harm financially, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

Everything I just wrote is who I was from ages 16-30. Fourteen years of my life I was a monster. A madman, a danger to anyone who was around me at that time. I was lost and broken. I was most certainly hopeless and could never string enough sober breaths together to find even a splinter of hope. I often felt like I had nothing to lose one moment and everything to lose the next but never felt strong enough to change. I eventually convinced myself that I was going to die a drunk junkie.

It wasn’t always like that. Drinking with coworkers after a long work week didn’t feel wrong. Even sneaking to the bathroom with someone to do some coke didn’t feel wrong, it was exciting and fun…and at the beginning it was sporadic. Spending money on my alcohol consumption or drug use only felt wrong for a second while doing it, just long enough for me to combat that thought with a plan of how I would get more money.

I think I was trapped in active alcoholism for so long partially because I was too crafty for my own good. I always found a way to get out of a jam. When I didn’t find a way, I convinced myself it wasn’t all that bad.

When you boil everything down, I could’ve changed much sooner. I float between thinking I was incapable and thinking I was just selfish. I’m still not sure. What I can say today, is that staying sober for the last 12 years has been extremely easy. Ever since I started relying on God and helping people, I have not once struggled with alcoholism. Not even for a minute.

I have had very important people in my life die. I sponsored several people who died from active addiction, one was one of my best friends. I have faced extreme financial hardship, I managed 2 young children on my own, 1 who was epileptic and couldn’t stop having seizures and 1 who couldn’t sleep through the night…both of whom cried themselves to sleep more times than I can count, I have navigated a custody battle, I have had some very tight moments with my child, I have gone through a bunch of things that I do not feel appropriate to share here…but trust me, you would think I would’ve drank my way through them. But no, it was never even a thought.

My approach to sobriety has been simple, I have constantly sought out God and have tried my best to help as many people do the same as I could along the way. I have taken simple directions and I have been consistent in doing so. I did not get nor stay sober from “making meetings” or studying the big book. I have not stayed sober by being reliant on a 12 step fellowship. I did not stay sober from Suboxone. I have not sourced happiness from anything or anyone on this earth. My entire heart was empty and was filled with God alone and that is how I have stayed sober…easily.

I am a member of a 12 step fellowship, but it is not my God. I encourage people struggling to engage in one, but to understand that God provided me my solution and that the 12 steps helped me find God. That is worth pointing out.

So now, 12 years (which really doesn’t mean much to me other than it reminds me of how big God is) later I am a different person. Still imperfect in every way, still missing the mark all the time, but also still growing. I am a husband, a father of 3, a son, a brother, a mentor, an employee, a friend and a student. I am proud of who I have become and I am grateful for the God that has changed me.

I, potentially like you, was completely broken and now I am free. You, just like me can walk right out of alcoholism or addiction and come out on the other side…free. Finally free.