My history is polluted with selfishness. I have walked through the majority of life not being happy with what I had and there was really only one exception to that, my son Canaan. I have always cherished who he is. As I have said many times, he was the only reason I didn’t end my life. Prior to getting sober, I was never happy with any woman I was with, any job that I had, any car that I drove, any amount of money in my bank account, nothing. I am ashamed to admit this, but at times I was not even happy with the family that I had. I always looked at the negative side of things rather than the positive.
Without happiness, I was never grateful. I always wanted more or something different. I attribute this to a lack of connection with God and a general disconnection to others.
Without gratitude, without happiness, I found myself on a constant hunt for something but could never find it. That’s why I leaned on drugs and alcohol. That’s why I used women. That’s why I was abnormally violent. That’s why I foolishly spent money on things I didn’t need (this is, um… still a teeny tiny problem. Take note of shoe collection). I was trying to solve a problem with my own resources and my own solutions.
I spent basically my entire life this way. 16 of 31 years of that in active addiction. That’s a chunk of time. I would minimize it too. I would say it wasn’t as bad as you thought. That I had it under control. I would even say this on the same day that I woke up in a strange place, with complete strangers, with no money and no idea where my car was. My life was absolute madness and I disguised it in my mind so that I didn’t have to change it.
I would tell you how strong I was, how tough I was, how nothing bothered me and then curl up in a ball in my bed and cry like an abused child. I experienced a level of loneliness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and at the same time brag to you about how popular I was. I would steal food or live off of double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s and pretend that I was richer than Drake. [ cue “Started From the Bottom” ] I claimed to be so happy but nothing made me happy and I was grateful for nothing.
Imagine living this way your whole life. Imagine wanting to change so bad but being so trapped in your own internal conflict that you could never do anything about it. Imagine hurting your loved ones over and over and over again, living in a constant state of guilt and remorse.
This is what and who I was. Failure after failure. Broken promise after broken promise. Let down after let down.
A few weeks ago I was at home, upstairs and in a room alone. I sat there silent for a few minutes and prayed. I was reflecting on my relationship with God and was going through the timeline of my sobriety and also my growing relationship with Jesus. I thought about being brought to tears during worship at church. I thought about how when it comes down to it, everything that brings me happiness today is rooted in my relationship with God.
After a few minutes I started cleaning the room I was in. I was picking up toys, I was moving stuff around, you know things like that. Then I started vacuuming.
I was looking down at the floor and my eyes started watering. I realized that this “chore” I was doing actually brought me happiness. That I was actually grateful for it.
Vacuuming.
Listen, I know it sounds weird. Sounds weird to me as well and I’m actually hoping my wife doesn’t read this right now so I’m not tasked with being the all time vacuumer or something.
But the point is, I was grateful for the floor I was standing on. The house that I was living in. The amazing family that I have living in it with me. The neighborhood that my house is in. The town that my neighborhood is in. The truck that I drive to get there. The job that I get to work at. The people that I work with. The list just kept going. It was like in a movie when someone’s life flashes before their eyes but each scene was something else that I was grateful for. And it made me cry the most joyful tears that I’ve experienced in awhile.
This all started by laying all of my failures, all of my defects, all of my hurt and everything that caused me and others around me pain, at the foot of my God. In return I have been given eternal life and the ability to love and give love. It has given me a passion for life. It has, for the most part, made me grateful the majority of the time and I strive to get more of that.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
When I was in the convent, Tim, our novice mistress asked us to pray for a young man who was addicted to alcohol and drugs and had attempted suicide. That same man a few years later became a very active member of our church and eventually became a deacon. When he stood the pulpit to preach , his message was so like yours. He categorized himself as a great sinner and we who witnessed his conversation to the Lord saw a man on fire with the love of God and neighbor. The greater the hopelessness and sin , it seems, the more amazing and magnificent the conversion. God bless you, sir, and your family, and your ministry and your journey.