If you let em make you, make you paper mache…

It’s not often that I expose my vulnerabilities. I feel something like that is only merited or valuable under very specific circumstances. This may not be the case for you, or your beliefs and that’s fine. You may think that being vulnerable only leads to a better mutual understanding amongst people, better communication, an overall “healthier” lifestyle. That’s fine too. Sometimes I am that way as well, but normally not. 

I don’t care much to talk about my problems, my fears or my insecurities unless I am hunting for a solution. I am so hellbent on being this way that I often project that outlook on others and I come across as lacking empathy for other people’s feelings. I don’t really care so much about feelings. I care about fixing problems. But I know my heart is big, I know I am probably more willing than most to try and help you find the solution to your problems. It doesn’t mean that I am dismissive of your feelings, it simply means that I believe that the feelings you are struggling with will go away when a solution is implemented and not from talking about them.  

I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I do recognize that it pushes people away sometimes. I do know that it makes me come across as “cold” sometimes. I see that it makes me appear to be arrogant as well. 

This is obviously not good. 

This morning on my drive to work I started thinking about a lot of things. I thought about some issues that people in my life are struggling with and what I can do to help. I thought about some issues that I’m struggling with and what I can do to help myself. 

I also thought about what my life was like before I got sober and the problems I faced then. I thought about the problems I caused for others then. I thought about how focused on problems I was and how dismissive I was of seemingly possible solutions to those problems. 

I would wake up consumed with problems. There was one problem which always trumped all the other problems, but problems on top of problems nonetheless. I would be completely unconcerned with not only other people’s problems, but so overwhelmed with my own set of struggles that I would never consider the idea that I could have possibly helped anyone with their problems because my life was so upside down. (I see that I could have worded that cleaner, but there’s only like 3 people reading this anyway, so who cares)

It’s not that way today, and that’s a win. I have been rewired. I’m not void of empathy, I’m not cold, I’m not dismissive…I care in my own way. I try in my own way. I see things in my own way and I am happy with the work that God is doing on me. I am solution oriented, efficient and I may get to a solution in a different way than you, but that doesn’t mean that your way is right and mine is wrong, just as it doesn’t mean that my way is right and yours is wrong. It means that we are going about life in our own way. In the best way we can. 

I make mistakes. I overlook people’s feelings sometimes. I do this and it occasionally hurts people. It is never intentional and it is never overlooked. When it happens I try to learn a lesson and grow. I try to change. But I am who I am. I am fashioned in the image of God and I am still learning how to be more like Jesus. 

I am VERRRRRRY far away from where I want to be. But I recognize that God isn’t done with molding me and I hope that you can offer me the same grace that He does. 

So my vulnerability in this post is highlighting areas that I know I can improve on. I know I have things to change, approaches to polish, “warming up” to do, edges to soften, passive aggressiveness to sort out…I get it. That said, I feel like what sobriety has afforded me and how God is grooming me is a million miles away from who I was prior to getting sober and this sometimes slow process is looked at as a good thing to me. 

You can cast your judgement, and you can be as perfect as you think you are. I’ll just be over here being a student with a lot of learning to do. [intentional hypocritical passive aggressiveness for ironic humor…relax]