At 21 years old, I was addicted to OxyContin, heroin and alcohol. If you asked me what was important, I would’ve told you “my family” without hesitation. That would have been partially true, but what trumped all on the importance scale, was my comfort. I slid everything to the side to ensure I felt “ok” or at least felt less pain. I prioritized my perceived wellbeing over everything.
On this day, 21 years ago, I was 23 years old. It was 9 days after 9/11 and I was scared. I was having my first son. I was very much addicted to opiates and I felt ill-equipped to be a father. I had helped raise a step son by this point, but I’m sure I wasn’t much help. I was still putting my fists through walls and such.
I wish I could remember the birth of my son, but I cannot.
I do remember manipulating his mother out of the percocets they gave her for pain after the delivery, and I remember holding Canaan for the first time, but the rest is a blur. I was selfish, fearful and unconcerned with most of the people around me.
The best part about having Canaan at this time, was that he would ultimately be the catalyst for my recovery, it would just take him surviving for another 7 years. I have told him a hundred times the role he’s played, and I’m sure I’ll tell him a hundred more. When I say I am forever indebted to him, I mean it. Of course, God fixed me…but Canaan’s existence was the motivation I needed to open my heart and my eyes to see God.
Tonight we will celebrate Canaan’s 21st birthday. He will be surrounded by some of his family. He will not be at the bar, getting hammered or lurking in West Baltimore copping drugs. I will credit this to his own choices, but I also believe that the divine orchestration that was laid out for me played a role in my ability to support him and keep him close.
Admittedly, I do feel a little melancholy about Canaan staying home on his 21st birthday. I imagine we would rather be surrounded by friends having fun at this age, but he’s got plenty of time for that.
I was able to purchase him a nice birthday present, with money I earned rather than stealing money or goods or robbing someone in order to get him a birthday present. I can tell you, that’s different than his first 7 birthdays. In fact, on his 7th birthday, I wasn’t there. I was in South Florida, wrapping up my stay down there, trying to stay sober. I left on September 26th, 2009.
It was an amazing day.
I look forward to however many days I have with my son living under the same roof and I am hopeful that his life will play out in a fashion that brings him peace.
I have still not provided him the link to this site, a site devoted to my experience with him, drugs, God, recovery, pain and family. But I may just do that tonight.
Canaan,
If you do ever read this, I love you. You mean so much to me. I envy you in many way and I know I don’t say it enough, but I am proud of you. You make me laugh, teach me how to love and I appreciate you so much.
I am sorry for the pain I caused you. I am sorry you are still experiencing pain. I wish I could take every ounce of hurt you feel. I wish I could “fix” certain parts of your life, or change certain people, but I cannot. I can love and support you and I hope you see that I am trying my best to do that.
I pray for you constantly, despite your avoidance of God. One day, you will see and feel that God is very real. My prayers are that you find Him in a different way than I did. But I know you will find Him.
Kelli and I both love you. You are admired and loved by your siblings. You are talented beyond measure. You will find your way.
Happy Birthday, Canaan. Your life is just starting.