When comparing my life to that of Paul’s, there are big similarities. There is a big difference though, I was blind for a lot longer than 3 days.
I tell select people about the specifics regarding me being saved. I’m not selective about talking about being saved, I do that every chance I am afforded, but I do use discernment when unloading the specific experiences I have had because sometimes people aren’t ready for all that and I have been working with others enough to know what to say and when.
I have had a venomous tongue for followers of Jesus before, based on my own experiences and have formed opinions without an open mind. I used my life and what happened to me to determine that not only was there not a God, but that no man could say with certainty that they knew Him.
Roughly 15 years ago, after around 9 years of trying to get and stay sober, I finally figured it out. I figured out that the man God wanted me to be was a servant. A truth teller. A father, brother and a son. He wanted me to help others with true altruism and after a lot of pain, I submitted to that idea. That was the big secret. The recipe for peace and permanent sobriety. I simply needed to rely on God and help others. I did those things and I got the results I was promised.
But I didn’t know God. I knew there was a God and I knew I wasn’t God. But I didn’t know God and I don’t think God truly knew me. Let be clear, God knew me…He created me. But there was no solid relationship with God for us to truly know each other. I prayed to a God I didn’t know and left it at that.
I do not know when exactly me being saved in the traditional sense happened. My pastor tells me I was saved for quite some time before I knew it. In hindsight, I can’t say I disagree. But what I do know is that through a series of conversations, exploration towards Jesus, reading, praying and while hesitant to say this, I will…supernatural occurrences, I came to Christ. This was not my plan. I promise. In fact, I fought it. I fought it stubbornly and aggressively just like everything else in my life I have fought for. In almost every example of me vs (insert life stuff here) I ended up “winning.” I have been told by too many people to ignore this and not consider it true, but I am one of those people that when I put my mind to something, I make it happen. But this fight with me vs Christianity was different.
I’m at a place in my life where not only am I not embarrassed about this, but moreover I am overjoyed by it. That Jesus showed me what a fight looked like. He fought for me, even when I belittled anyone who believed in Him.
He did things to me that have never been done. This included out of body experiences, visions, orchestration of life events, people being placed in my life and a thirst for scripture. I don’t believe that I am not full of sin, because I am. But I am aware of these misses and I try to repent for them. I try to testify about what Jesus has done for me and to me. I try to carry myself (I miss terribly on this one) in the way He would want me to and He loves me enough even in my faulted state to show up every minute of every day. I do believe that since I became a believer and was formally baptized (in November, in the cold outside) that I sin less.
Right now my family and I are in a very tough season. I have shared some of it publicly and somethings I haven’t shared. Just know right now things are not easy. But even in these moments, I am so happy that I know God. I have been deeper in prayer, more committed to bettering myself as a Christian, and even as recently as today was given a little glimpse that God is with me in a very obvious way.
Isaiah 4:6 NIV
It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain.
Psalm 91: 1-2 NIV
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”