My selfishness and lack of any kind of grip on reality has me believing that not only can I bounce in the middle of the night and leave these kids and this wife behind, but that I can also take all this rent money, drive two and a half hours away and buy drugs with it, flip enough to get it back and stay high for the next week or so.
The kids are in bed. The wife just looks at me with that look. That “I know I can’t stop you. I just want this to stop. Don’t you see what you’re doing to us? This all has to be just a bad dream look” And says…
“Be careful.”
Be careful? Careful was something I thought I was being. Reckless was more appropriate tho. The shit I did that night. I really have no business being alive. My kids should be fatherless and one of them not even born. My parents should really only have one son. The MANY (and I mean many) much better people than me, the good ones, the ones who just lost their way but never really caused half the pain I did should still be alive and I should be on the other side. The pain I have seen in the families of people very very close to me always seems to just be so unnecessary. But it’s real and it’s there. And I guess so am I. So there’s a reason for it.
I’m not beating myself up here or drowning in my own self pity, no. It’s not like that. I’m just making an observation.
So I took the drive, money in my pocket, paraphernalia in my dip and delusion in my head.
I put myself around some very dangerous individuals and did some very dangerous things. The types of scenarios where guns are present. Where duckin in allies from the cops happens often. Where white boys on the block is a rarity. But the drugs. The heroin. The coke. I need that. We need that. I spent up and shot up most of that rent money. I went back with very little. The whole time I didn’t think about her, or my step son or even my own flesh and blood. Nobody. Just me and that dope yo.
Yesterday after an especially long day at work I drove the hour plus to pick up my little, then drove the almost half hour home, then talked to my oldest about how I had to talk his vice principle out of giving him ANOTHER after school detention for misbehaving in class because “Sir, I appreciate you want to teach him a lesson and I do also, but he is trying. He is doing better. You must see that. Giving him after school detention is going to hurt me more than it helps him. I just can’t afford to take off work early again to come pick him up. Can we just give him like two lunch detentions?” and started making dinner.
I did what I always do and fired up the beats pill my uncle gave me and began to cook. I had a moment when I could remember getting in trouble in that same school that my son is in. Sitting in that same principle’s office. Then being so shook to come home because I knew what would happen. I would most certainly get that belt. And I did. And I became very grateful for that one moment. It was very odd. Not resentful. Grateful. Happy even. Happy that my father disciplined me. And grateful that he did his best for me. And I remembered how internally disturbed I was as a kid and tried my best to hide it.
And I thought about what Canaan must be going through.
And I turned that fucking music up as loud as it could go.
And my little came into the kitchen and started dancing. And I started dancing. And Canaan came in and saw us dancing and he smiled. He laughed. And he started dancing.
Now, you can think this is corny or cliche or whatever the fuck you want, really, I don’t care. But to me… that is G-d showing Himself.
It was without a doubt the highlight of my week. We all were singing and dancing and cooking and just enjoying our lives. No beating. No tears. No fear.
After we ate I was able to talk to Canaan with love and he seemed to not only understand where I was coming from but appreciate my view. He’s an amazing child. I hope one day I can be as strong as he is. And more than anything I hope he doesn’t have to travel to the hopeless, dark, death encouraging, desperate places I did in order to find himself. I hope that he can find his G-d before having to go through that level of pain.