If you want the truth, I willingly walked away from my family more than once. I didn’t always do it for selfish reasons, but mostly that was the motivator. I was either too “busy” for them, didn’t want to deal with them…or too caught up in getting wasted that I just couldn’t focus on anything besides myself and the next drink or drug. On top of all that selfishness that I let run my life for right around 20 years, I also walked around harboring resentments. These resentments stemmed from either real events, made up events or events that happened but I perceived them as being way worse than they actually were. Some of these resentments didn’t even involve me, I just involved myself.
So the reasoning behind me walking away from my family was always different. A few times I did it for noble reasons. I know that sounds like hypocrisy, but for someone who once had a severe reliance on things of this world, which caused me to become very sick…I assure you I absolutely had to isolate myself from everything for a period of time and just focus on G-d.
I had a good amount of time to reflect on this over the past couple of days. I recently have made an effort to be available to all of my family on whatever level I can. With some family members, I am obviously closer; My children, my mother, My father’s brother, etc… These people live close to me and I see them all the time. With other family members it’s a bit more difficult. My father lives just out of arms reach, my Uncle lives on the other side of the country, my cousin lives in a neighboring state, my brother…well, he’s still my brother. But we all have our own lives. We are all busy. But are we too busy? Am I too busy? I often tell myself I am, but is that true?
I am pretty much living life to the best of my ability today, I parent my children, I have a good job, I call my parents to see how they’re doing, I try my best to help people… I do all these things. But what really has prevented me from reaching out further? I think I’m too busy. Or am I just still thinking of myself? I can’t remember specifically the last time I visited my grandma. I only remember certain events. I remember eating her cooking and laughing with her about her accent. I remember the time that I finally grew tall enough that she had to look up to me (this wasn’t very difficult). I remember going to her house for xmas and thanksgiving. I remember the bedroom that she had set up for us kids when we spent the night. I remember the day she told me what my spanish name was. I remember exactly the way she put her arms out to me when she saw me…and how she smiled…and how she would always say “Awe Teemy, Ju look so hahn some”
She was always kind to me. I can’t remember a time that she wasn’t.
She was someone I walked away from. I separated myself from her.
Today I helped carry her to her gravesite.
I’ll never have the opportunity to be a good grandson to her again. I did love her, but I’m not convinced I showed it very well. I’m not beating myself up about this. I’m simply acknowledging a fault of mine. This is a good thing. If I can slowly point out things about myself that I don’t like, things that G-d doesn’t want me to be, I can change them. I can align my actions with the type of person He wants me to be a little better. I’m ok with that.
I’m living in the house that she lived in for over 20 years. I love this house. It is full of memories. I plan on making more here. I can only hope that they are full of joy and happiness. I can only hope that I can make my family feel as loved as she did.